"Rules for Editing" /good ones
Some of you have noticed a few typos in the jokes now and then,
to improve this I am now using a new set of rules for editing.
1. Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.
4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
5. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat)
6. Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.
7. Be more or less specific.
8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.
9. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
10. No sentence fragments.
11. Contractions aren't necessary and shouldn't be used.
12. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
13. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's
14. One should NEVER generalize.
15. Comparisons are as bad as clichés.
16. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
17. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
18. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
19. The passive voice is to be ignored.
20. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words
however should be enclosed in commas.
21. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.
22. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
23. Understatement is always the absolute best way to put
forth earth shaking ideas.
24. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate
quotations. Tell me what you know."
25. If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: Resist
hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.
26. Puns are for children, not groan readers.
27. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
28. Even IF a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
29. Who needs rhetorical questions?
And the last one...
30. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
31. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
[snipperectomy of a lot of laughs]
Strunk & White LIVE!!! But then again, it's UseNet!! A dialect all on
If your not able to tell the their from the there, your not going to be
able to express you're thoughts. Your going to have to learn the 'how
*shudder* Those two previous phrases hurt me more than you.
Then there is than vs then. Its vs it's and so on....
Really big words are often used to give weight to small statements.
Or, as they say in The Netherlands, loosely translated, like a flag on a
The biggest offense of all, in my humble opinion, is pretense.
Strunk & White. The Elements Of Style. (Chicago Press) My favourite
present to give away at Christmas. For such a small booklet, it sure
packs a punch. We'd all do well to read a copy and try to adhere to the
rules within. For some people it will be akin to finding a bottle of
Scope in their mailbox...but you'll learn not to over-use the
elipses...if you know what I mean.
Thanx fur the laffs, Edwin.
I'll say...to wit:
There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger,
neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
And while no one knows what is in a hot dog,
you can be pretty sure it isn't canine.
English muffins were not invented in England,
nor French fries in France.
Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads,
which aren't sweet, are meat.
We take English for granted.
But if we explore its paradoxes,
we find that quicksand can work slowly,
boxing rings are square,
and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write,
but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce,
and hammers don't ham?
If the plural of tooth is teeth,
why isn't the plural of booth, beeth?
One goose, 2 geese.
So, one moose, 2 meese?
Is cheese the plural of choose?
One mouse, 2 mice.
One louse, 2 lice.
One house, 2 hice?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables,
what does a humanitarian eat?
Why do people recite at a play, and play at a recital?
Ship by truck or car and send cargo by ship?
Have noses that run and feet that smell?
Park on driveways and drive on parkways?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same,
while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
How can the weather be hot as Hell one day
and cold as Hell another?
When a house burns up, it burns down.
You fill in a form by filling it out
and an alarm clock goes off by going on.
You get in and out of a car,
yet you get on and off a bus
When the stars are out, they are visible,
but when the lights are out, they are invisible
And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it,
but when I wind up this essay, I end it?
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