This is guaranteed to get 'em crawling out of the woodwork, Bill....
"Lonesome and amorous neanderthal desires curvilinear and nubile shopmate, who can magically transform softwood to hardwood. Must prefer mutual fore planing over a solitary jack. Must enjoy ploughing and have uninhibited passion for the essential joinery - butt and tongue n' groove, but, please, no thoughts of bridle."