Darwin awards (Hope Twayne likes it)

THEY'RE HERE! 2011 DARWIN AWARDS
You've been waiting for them with bated breath, so without further ado, here are the 2011 Darwin Awards.
Eighth Place
In Detroit , a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.
Seventh Place
A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he ran", accidentally jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run.
Sixth Place
While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8 foot hole for protection from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom, when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach used their hands and shovels trying to get him out but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital..
Fifth Place
Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.
Fourth Place
Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.
Third Place
After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door, a man walked into H&J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the store. The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was standing at the counter. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol.
The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, and several customers also drew their guns and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt.
HONORABLE MENTION
Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at 2 A.M. so they lit a quarter stick of dynamite to toss out the window to see what would happen. Apparently they failed to notice that the window was closed.
RUNNER UP
Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more excited, and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge, they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. They secured one end around Bingham's leg and then tied the other to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. Bingham's foot was never located.
AND THE WINNER IS....
Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt ( Paderborn , Germany ) fed his constipated elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief. Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded.
The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves... 'Sh*t happens'
IT ALWAYS SEEMS IMPORTANT TO THANK THESE PEOPLE FOR REMOVING THEMSELVES FROM THE GENE POOL.
--
Stuart Winsor

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"Stuart" wrote in message
THEY'RE HERE! 2011 DARWIN AWARDS
You've been waiting for them with bated breath, so without further ado, here are the 2011 Darwin Awards.
Eighth Place
In Detroit , a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.
Seventh Place
A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he ran", accidentally jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run.
Sixth Place
While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8 foot hole for protection from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom, when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach used their hands and shovels trying to get him out but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital..
Fifth Place
Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.
Fourth Place
Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.
Third Place
After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door, a man walked into H&J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the store. The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was standing at the counter. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol.
The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, and several customers also drew their guns and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt.
HONORABLE MENTION
Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at 2 A.M. so they lit a quarter stick of dynamite to toss out the window to see what would happen. Apparently they failed to notice that the window was closed.
RUNNER UP
Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more excited, and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge, they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. They secured one end around Bingham's leg and then tied the other to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. Bingham's foot was never located.
AND THE WINNER IS....
Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt ( Paderborn , Germany ) fed his constipated elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief. Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded.
The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves... 'Sh*t happens' ====================================================================Three of those have been around for years. Good bet the rest of them were made up too.
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Maybe. But it's a good bet that throughout the history of man and his stupidity, that he has done worse.
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On 2/28/2012 5:22 PM, Stuart wrote:

I am not for gun control but if this is the truth I can see why some people think that there should be.
At least 7 people shooting, half of the rounds missed the target. There must have been more injuries that the suspect.
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On 2/29/2012 7:32 AM, Leon wrote:

"Gun control" is indeed the key.
As in a combat situation, it is most often not even necessary to initially hit your target. Returning sufficient fire, to make your target miss his, is the idea; then you can exercise proper "gun control" and proceed to take him out.
--
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Last update: 4/15/2010
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On 2/29/2012 8:04 AM, Swingman wrote:

You think that is what was going on in that embellished situation? LOL
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On 3/1/2012 6:47 AM, Leon wrote:

Nope ... just providing a bit of background for the vast majority who have never been fired upon, except in a video game. :)
The accepted, military, way to survive incoming fire is to return same as rapidly, and with as much firepower, as possible.
Who knows, with the rapid militarization of even university and transit police forces in this country, every little bit of advice may come in handy one day ... even if the only option for most is to duck.
:(
--
www.eWoodShop.com
Last update: 4/15/2010
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I like that emoticon. I truly regret the easy availability of firearms to people who are unqualified to use them. And I'll leave it at that.
--
Best regards
Han
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Others of us regret that our entire populace isn't trained on both long and short weapons, as the Swiss and Israelis are.
LJ, who's reading a book on Krav Maga now, looking to it as a guide on physical fitness. http://tinyurl.com/74o4lqc
-- ...in order that a man may be happy, it is necessary that he should not only be capable of his work, but a good judge of his work. -- John Ruskin
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It didn't happen exactly that way. As with many stories circulating around the 'net, this one's been "enhanced" for dramatic effect. http://www.snopes.com/crime/dumdum/gunshop.asp
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On 2/29/2012 8:29 AM, Doug Miller wrote:

And apparently the "truth" is almost as funny. Exploding boxes of ammo with slugs all over the place.
Reminds me of the movie Broken Arrow when the bad guy, John Travolta's character" asked the other bad guys to please not shoot the Nuclear device.
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wrote:

"How many times do I have to tell you? Please don't shoot at the thermonuclear weapons."
I laughed so hard at that I got dizzy. Great movie, especially with Princess Daisy in it. <wink> I've thoroughly enjoyed Travolta's (later, post dipshit Disco), Mathis', and Slater's careers. They all do fun movies.
-- ...in order that a man may be happy, it is necessary that he should not only be capable of his work, but a good judge of his work. -- John Ruskin
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On 2/29/2012 10:23 AM, Larry Jaques wrote:

Yeah, you probably have the words down correctly, OTOH I do pretty good with the lines from Oh Brother Where art Thou, The George Conley movie.
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Leon wrote:

The only one I remember:
" We thought you was a TOAD! "
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On 2/29/2012 7:26 PM, HeyBub wrote:

Mrs. Hogwaller up'n "R U N N O F T".
We're in a tight spot.
This place is a geological oddity, two weeks from every where.
Mister, your money is coming unstolen.
He's Bona fide.
I got'a look out for me and mine.
Any you boy's a smitty?
Ob-stakle
Gofer Everett?
Hey Mister there is a feller in there that will pay you $10 for singing into a can.
I don't want no FOP, I'm a Palm-aid man.
My daddy told me to wing any one with papers or from the bank.
Slaughtered this horse last week, it's start'n to tern.
We're the Soggy Bottom Boys
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On Wed, 29 Feb 2012 22:09:26 -0600, Leon wrote:

to sing into.
basilisk
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On 3/1/2012 6:17 AM, basilisk wrote:

You might have been about 70 years late! LOL
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wrote:

They must have all been cops or ex-cops. Civilians don't miss that often. ;) And I'll bet the roofers and siding folks had a field day with that place for the next month.
-- ...in order that a man may be happy, it is necessary that he should not only be capable of his work, but a good judge of his work. -- John Ruskin
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The 2012 awards...
http://www.darwinawards.com/index.chapter1.html
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