1. When it's 105 out and I've just come out of
your attic please do not offer me anything to drink.
Us heating and air techs have a special gene that
lets us recycle our sweat when licked of off our
bodies in a timely manner. Heat stroke is a Zen
2. By all means tell me that you want to pay my
after hours fee and then wait till I'm five minutes
from your house and call and cancel. We have a special
deal with the gas companies where we only pay half
3. When I tell you that a part costs x dollars,
please exclaim as loud as you can "For that!" There
are no overhead costs associated with running our
business, that's why it's called HVAC. You know,
heating, ventilating and charity.
4. When I tell you the price for a new system,
please tell me how Joe down the street just got one
for half that price. I'm just curious, did Joe get
the Ford model or the Mercedes model or did BillyBobs
heating, ventilating and charity install said system?
5. When I tell you the price of a new system,
please tell me how you can get one off of that internet
thingy for half price. Those internet models install
and warranty themselves I heard.
6. When I tell you the price of a new system,
please tell me that you want to get a quote from 10
other companies and make a decision five years from
now. Our business is inflation proof.
7. When I show you the problem with your system
and you're standing right there, please tell me you
want to call 5 more companies for a second opinion.
All these certifications we have mean absolutely
8. When I ask you who put your system in and you
tell me a friend of a friend so your cheap ass could
save money, please get mad as hell when I tell you that
that's what happens when you hire hacks. Oh wait, that's
right, you hired BillyBobs heating, ventilating and
charity. So sorry I insulted you, my bad.
9. When I disable your system because your heat
exchanger is cracked, please go completely off and tell
me what a crook I am. If I don't hear what a crook I am
at least once a day I start getting a complex. Besides,
I heard that a little carbon monoxide, in moderation
of course, is a Zen experience.
10. When I have you scheduled for 10:00 and you are
not there, please expect me to wait an hour while you
do whatever it is you have to do. You are the only
customer I have that day and I have nothing better to
11. When you see my van driving down the road, please
do everything you can to impede my progress. We all
attended the Skip Barber racing school and you are
helping us keep our driving skills up to par without
having to go back and pay that damn racing school for a
refresher course each year.
12. Please answer your door in the most revealing
clothing you have and then offer to pay for the service
call by "unconventional" means. Hey, all of us have
screwed up marriages anyway, we only married our wives
out of charity.
13. Please argue with me about how much the office
said the service charge would be. I've only worked for
said company four years anyway, what the hell do I know.
14. When I am looking at your system, please have
your engineer neighbor there so he can make suggestions
every 2.5 seconds. After all, all of these certifications
we have, well, we had to eat a lot of cracker jacks to
15. After I have just fixed your system, please
fiddle with the thermostat and turn it off. It's ok
because we all have ESP and will know that you just
turned the thermostat off. Besides, I really didn't
want to give you the "complete system evaluation"
that you're paying for anyway.
16. When I tell you that your system is low on
refrigerant and will need 5 lbs, please ask me to
add only two pounds so you can save some money. You
have a special system that will cool without the
required amount of refrigerant, all I have to do
is throw the kaniflin valve counter clockwise and
this will allow the system to run correctly and as
an added bonus will seal the leak wherever it is.
17. When I tell you that your duct work is improperly
sized, please ask me why someone would do that. I can
surely answer that question because as I said earlier,
we all have ESP.
18. When I ask you to explain what your system is
doing or not doing, please start out with "it was
working yesterday" with the tone in your voice like
you expected it to ring you up and let you know
that at exactly 5:04 tomorrow it's going to croak.
19. Please do everything you can to get me to
warranty something that is not covered under your
warranty. Remember, I am running a charity, not a
20. When I am diagnosing why your new system does
not heat or cool properly, please start out with
"well the salesman said…" That's why they are called