Lawn care 3 step program

[symplastless]

To winterize or not to winterize lawn

"Winterize your lawn", the big sign outside the garden store commanded. I've fed it, watered it, mowed it, raked it and watched a lot of it die away. Now I'm supposed to winterize it? I hope it's too late. Grass lawns have to be the stupidest thing we've come up with outside of a thong swimsuits! We constantly battle dandelions, Queen's lace, thistle, violets, chicory and clover that thrive naturally, so we can grow grass that must be nursed through an annual four-step chemical dependency.

Imagine the conversation The Creator might have with St. Francis about this:

"Frank you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there in the Midwest? What happened to the dandelions, violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect, no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracted butterflies, honeybees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But all I see are these green rectangles."

" It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites.

They started calling your flowers "weeds" and went to great extent to kill them and replace them with grass".

" Grass? But its so boring. Its not colorful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees, Only grubs and sod worms. Its' temperamental with temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that green grass growing there?

" Apparently so, Lord, They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poising any other plant that crops up in the lawn".

" The spring rains and cool weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy".

" Not exactly, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it-sometimes twice a week".

" They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?"

" Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags."

" They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?"

" No, sir. Just the opposite. They pay to throw it away".

" Now let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?"

" Yes, sir."

" These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work."

" You aren't going to believe this Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it."

" What nonsense! At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius,

if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty an d shade in the summer . In the autumn they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket

to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. Plus, as they rot, the leaves form compost to enhance the soil. It's a natural circle of life."

" You better sit down, Lord. The suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and have them hauled away."

" No! What do they do to protect the shrub and the tree roots in the winter and keep the soil moist and loose?"

" After throwing away your leaves, they go out and buy something they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in the place of leaves."

" and where do they get this mulch?"

" They cut down trees and grind them up."

"Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore. Saint Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?"

" Dumb and Dumber, Lord. It's a real stupid movie about.

" Never mind I think I just heard the whole story."

anonymous

[D. Staples]

and replace them with grass".

It is spring, dufus.

[symplastless]

I guess you can't figure it out.

Sad? Again offering no help.

[Phisherman]

There are a LOT of products for lawns. Lawn care has a lot to do with location. Fall fertilization is most important for cool grasses because the roots grow during the cooler winter months. For my particular location (e TN) I use organic fertilizers in the spring to avoid burning the grass--we can have brutal harsh dry hot long summers. (I hate summer in TN!)

[symplastless]

Actually turf grass is not native. There are some native clump grasses like little blue stem and such. Clover is nice because you get free chemicals like the element nitrogen. You also get the N without a compromise to ground water pollution like N applied by owners. In our hot dry summers clover might be the only thing green. The monoculture turf grass always turns brown in August (most of the time.

Anyway we have hot dry summers here often. A forest has the survival feature of nurse logs or course woody debris that become like sponges and with soil contact act as a water reservoirs for trees.

[David Hare-Scott]

I have to agree that as a ground cover in a domestic situation grass leaves much to be desired, except where a play area for sports or small children is required.

But I must take issue with your mistake regarding thong swimsuits. From the start I am tempted to say that grass lawns are better outside of thong swimsuits than inside. That would be flippant and the matter requires a serious reply.

For a start thongs are efficient. In this era of growing population and limited resources we must conserve materials such as natural fibres. Would you go back to neck-to-knee? Think of how many thongs you could make with that much cloth. Also they take very little washing thus saving water on this thirsty world.

Secondly they generate additional jobs. Is there full employment where you live? If you had more thongs in regular use then you would require more depilitators and so have job growth. There is a clear mathematical relationship here, the smaller the swimsuit then the more artful waxing, shaving and plucking is required.

Before you get carried away and suggest that this implies maximal employment where no swimsuits are worn consider this. If one allows it to all hang out (so to speak) there is no need for depilitation. In fact some might need to thicken their thatch. A township of nudists might experience a small growth in the sale of combs but a manufacturing industry is nowhere near as benefical as a labour-intensive service industry - so stick to thongs! Hair removal is also earth-friendly because, as we know, hair in modest amounts is quite suitable for composting.

Thirdly you clearly spend far too much time admiring trees and do not give sufficient attention to people. Next time you are at the beach leave your shigometry texts at home, a big hat and dark glasses will do far more to improve the density of your wood.

David