I alweays rememevbr the line
"If he keeps on falling on his feet like this, we are concerned about
long term brain damage"
Of course there is the story from "Sir Henry, at Rawlinson end" where
"The staff were used to the screams of Hubert doing his own fillings
with a black and decker. Poor man, faced with imminent marriage and
realsing he was unable to face his wife without a huge annd immediate
extraction, he tied a piece of wire round the offending molar, attached
it to a door handle, and cast himself down the lift shaft. Few men would
have had the presence of mind to do that..."
One of the funniest best man speeches I heard was one where he didn't
embarrass anyone, let alone the groom. Whilst he told funny stories about
the groom, and put across what a great guy he was, the only person he
belittled was himself. You need to remember who the audience is and who's
day it is - there are too many best men who think it is their job to make
people squirm under the table in embarrassment.
If it's a church wedding (and the vicar's there) you might like these:
You could finish up by wishing them, for a long and happy marriage, "the
wisdom of Solomon, the patience of Job, and the children of Israel."
Someone sent a card and as a nice jesture just wrote the reference to a
verse in the Bible which refers to love. They wrote 1 John 4:18. The best
man thought it would be a good idea to read out the verse, so borrowed a
Bible off the vicar. Unfortunately he didn't know the Bible very well and
whilst he should have read: 1 John 4:18 which goes: "There is no fear in
love; but perfect love casteth out fear:" he read instead John 4:18 which
goes: "For thou hast had five husbands; and he whom thou now hast is not thy
All the best (man!)
Enigineering rather than DIY - but it was free!
A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and
spotted a man below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can
you help? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know
where I am!"
The man below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approx. 30
feet above the ground. You are between 49 and 51 degrees north latitude and
between 120 and 125 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the man on the ground, "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically
correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information and the fact
is, I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."
The man below responded, "You must be in Management."
"I am" replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the man on the ground, "you don't know where you are or where
you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of
hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you
expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are
exactly in the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow,
it's my fault."
No doubt this will strike a chord.......
Fashion this story into your speech:
It was opening night at the Orpheum and the Amazing Paul McKenna was topping
bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.
As Paul took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists
who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I
intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience." The excitement
almost electric as Paul withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his
coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very
special watch. Its been in my family for six generations."
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting,
"Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch.... " The crowd became
mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its
Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it
slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a
"Shit" said the hypnotist.
It took three weeks to clean up the place
Cautionary message??? How about this one:
Scan type: Realtime Protection Scan
Event: Virus Found!
Virus name: WM.Concept.A
File: C:\Documents and Settings\David Hearn\Local Settings\Temporary
Location: C:\Documents and Settings\David Hearn\Local Settings\Temporary
User: David Hearn
Action taken: Clean succeeded : Access allowed
Date found: Wed Sep 24 10:54:30 2003
It has indeed got a macro Virus!
See here for more info!
Just a little free advise (Not spam, as I have no affiliation with GRI
you can get free Antivirus software from www.grisift.com
HomeOwnersHub.com is a website for homeowners and building and maintenance pros. It is not affiliated with any of the manufacturers or service providers discussed here.
All logos and trade names are the property of their respective owners.