Can you guys get your teen kids to work with you around the house?

I can't get my teenage son or daughter to work with me around the house.

They're missing out on a lot, 'cuz they won't learn.

I guess I brought 'em up wrong, but, they're good kids (otherwise).

Anyway, just wondering if you have hints?

I can force them, of course, and I can pay them, of course, but they don't even "like" working around the house.

I'm talking things like cleaning the pool, mowing the lawn, fixing the pumps, raking the leaves, etc.

Do you have any tricks and suggestions?

I guess I should make it "fun" but some of these things aren't really fun (like weeding) no matter what I can think of.

Just wondering if you have suggestions.

Reply to
Harold R
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Well, are they just barely teens, or older teens?

What is your usual method of discipline?

What motivates them, and what life skills do they lack?

Reply to
Muggles

Are you old enough (don't answer , rhetorical) to remember the grasshopper/ant cartoon where the g'hopper goes around singin' "Oh the world owes me a livin' "? The kids these days have been indoctrinated to expect that . From Big Brother .

Reply to
Terry Coombs

Hmm Seems like that cartoon sounds familiar.

If a father wants to try to teach his kids, he can only try to do what he can. With the right tools he may actually succeed, even.

Reply to
Muggles

Hmm Seems like that cartoon sounds familiar.

If a father wants to try to teach his kids, he can only try to do what he can. With the right tools he may actually succeed, even.

Reply to
Muggles

Muggles wrote ... on Wed, 06 Apr 2016 23:21:33 -0500 ...

One is 19, the other 12.

Discipline? I don't think that applies here, since this is volunteer work. But discipline is almost never anything more than a reprimand. Never have they ever been hit. Never have we had to punish them other than to perhaps ground the older one for a day or two and withhold things they care about for a short period of time (classic TEASPOT method that everyone is taught in child psychology).

One is on the computer 24/7 and the other is on the phone

24/7. One kills aliens day after day after day, while the other fusses over her hair and nails and clothes.

Typical stuff. Very typical stuff.

Reply to
Harold R

Terry Coombs wrote ... on Wed, 06 Apr 2016 23:38:42 -0500 ...

I don't ever tell the kids that they owe me anything other than respect and that they must respect the family.

I was hoping they'd figure out how to help out on their own.

Reply to
Harold R

Muggles wrote ... on Thu, 07 Apr 2016 00:02:28 -0500 ...

They do seem to be interested, but only in the first few minutes.

I think their attention span is no longer than 10 minutes.

And, well, there's not a whole lot you can do in 10 minutes.

Reply to
Harold R

My kid grew up a lot better than I did but we did go through an interesting phase.

I gave her a small allowance for doing chores around the house.

One day, she stopped doing the chores, so rather than get in a huge fight with her, I just stopped giving her the allowance.

All was fine for about a year...then one day she told me that her friends get an allowance...and she wondered why she did not.

I reminded her of the reason and we never had a problem with that since.

Reply to
philo

Harry,

Have you discussed this with your wife? If you are not a "united front" then you won't succeed. How old are the kids and what chores are they already responsible for? If the kids won't work with you, will they work with your spouse? Who feeds and takes care of the pets?

Dave M.

Reply to
David L. Martel

I might have gotten my sons to help if I did it with them but things I told them to do like cutting grass was like pulling teeth and easier to do myself.

Eldest son surprised me on his second marriage where his father in law taught him to do more things than I had ever attempted myself.

So my advice is get them to work with you but not on their own.

Reply to
Frank

philo wrote ... on Thu, 07 Apr 2016 04:56:18 -0500 ...

I do give 'em $10 an hour when I *really* want them to learn something.

That works, but they watch the clock like a hawk.

Reply to
Harold R

David L. Martel wrote ... on Thu, 07 Apr 2016 09:28:20 -0400 ...

The wife doesn't care about it.

I don't understand how women do anything sometimes. I know that sounds sexist, but they can't "fix" a thing. For them, it's throw away and buy new or pay some guy to do it for them.

So she's not with the program.

The kids are 12 and 19.

They don't really have any "chores" per se.

No pets though.

Reply to
Harold R

Frank wrote ... on Thu, 07 Apr 2016 10:01:03 -0400 ...

Actually, the whole question was about getting them to work "with" me.

I don't really want them to work on their own. Sure, they can, but the question was about fixing stuff, like putting brakes on or mounting tires or mowing the lawn or repairing things.

Most things that need to be repaired need to be diagnosed,and they get bored in just a few minutes of diagnosis.

Reply to
Harold R

You need to get the cute girl next door to tell him things like "Wow, you know how to do that sort of stuff? That is so cool!"

Reply to
taxed and spent

On 04/07/2016 9:07 AM, Harold R wrote: ...

...

The battle is lost almost irretrievably I'd wager altho perhaps the 12 yo may have some chance to modify behavior if the 19 yo is soon not around off to school or on own.

We never let kids have all the cell phones and "stuff"; there's no possibility they would ever be allowed to spend their days doing nothing but video games and the like; chores were always expected from the time were able to walk could carry a napkin to the table or something to "help" (even if it ended up as more effort to assist than net work gained, often).

As for yard work, and all, there was no "like" or "interest" needed; again, it was expected.

One does not do them a service by not setting expectations and teaching a work ethic, but if it's not begun early, patterns are set and then become exceedingly difficult to break.

I feel your pain but the situation was built from the start...

Reply to
dpb

Everyone has some good advice to offer that I've read so far, but the problem is how do you implement something that'll work for your 2 kids. One is an adult male teen, and the other is a young girl teen and what works for one won't work for the other.

I'd suggest you sit them both down and let them know the rules are going to change along with what will be expected from them. Once you set the rules there will be consequences if they either won't/can't abide by the rules. Stop paying your own kids $10 an hour to do chores in the home they live in. Tell them they are getting room and board and food every day and if they want to eat and have a comfortable place to live, they'll contribute to the daily needs of the household.

For example: For the 19 year old, it's your house, you pay the bills, and therefore his video games are no longer allowed - confiscate them and let him know since he's an adult that he's expected to get a job and pay you some rent. If he balts at that idea explain that he's an adult and it's time for reality lessons. He needs to begin supporting himself, paying rent, and helping around the house with specific chores. You're his father and love him, but at the same time it isn't love to allow an adult child to just sit around all day playing video games. He's grown up now and life is tough and it's time he learns what it'll be like if and when he's on his own so he might as well get a taste of supporting himself, now, when you're there to assist him in learning the best ways of doing it.

If your 19 yo son refuses, let him know he's welcome to move out and have a taste of what real life will serve up to him if he's not prepared, otherwise, you won't be providing him free room and board anymore. OR, come up with some other consequence that WILL make him uncomfortable enough to get up off his lazy butt and grow up and learn about real life. It won't be easy for you to lay down the law, but if you don't he could be living with you for the rest of his life sponging off of you will no real life skills to support himself. That isn't love if you let your son sit and play video games all day and not set down rules and expectations for him to rise up to be a real man.

Your 12 year old daughter needs a wake up call, too, but you have more time to get through to her, but your daughter will try to manipulate you in order to get her way and anything she wants from you. After all, she's daddy's little girl. Set down rules for her that are age appropriate like pulling weeds in the yard, doing laundry, cooking meals, working side by side with you so you can teach her how to change the oil in a car so she'll know how to take care of a car when she's old enough to own one.

REQUIRE both of them to learn life skills - take away their electronic toys and make them EARN those privileges. You're their father - not their sugar daddy. If they get out in the real world not having any real life skills they'll just come back home when things get rough and live off of mom and dad til you're too old to support them any more. Allowing them to become those sorts of people doesn't do them any good. Real life is tough and they need to learn if they don't pull their own weight life will knock them down and they might not get back up.

That's just a few things I can think of ... My 3 kids are full grown all living on their own, now. When we were raising them teaching them life lessons was an every day thing, and they had to earn the "wants" in life.

Reply to
Muggles

My suggestion: Soap Box Derby Racing. This is just an example, it's up to you figure out what activity your kids will like. It's the concept that matters.

Contact your local (or closest) chapter of the AASBD and find out who runs the program. You could start at the top and work your way down:

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All 4 of my kids were involved in Derby racing. They all knew that if they didn't help with the cars *and with chores around the house* they didn't race. If they didn't race, they didn't get to hang out with all the new friends that they made from across the country.

You want to motivate a kid? Tell him that his 3 siblings are going to spend the weekend 3 states over, hanging out by the hotel pool with 20 or 30 other racers for 2 nights while he stays home and thinks about the concept of being rewarded for putting in effort.

If they embrace that concept, it will spread across all aspects of their lives. They'll have tools in their hands. They'll build and fix things. They'll know that it takes effort to be rewarded and that working hard pays off. I've seen this work with literally thousands of kids over our 13 year racing career.

I was 100% sure that it had sunk in when this happened:

After 4 or 5 years of racing, my son bought a used riding mower so he could mow lawns to make some money. That's clue #1: If you work, you get rewarded (read: paid). He eventually saved enough to buy a new one. One day he said to me "Dad, I want to buy a cart to tow behind the mower so I can carry rakes and stuff. The cart has small wheels, but the old riding mower has big knobby ones like my new mower. I think we can cut the fenders on the cart and make them fit. Do you want to give me a hand?" That's clue #2: He knew that you can build and modify things to fit your needs. Tools are fun. Building is satisfying.

My point here is you need to motivate them and the best way to do that is to first, find something that sparks their interest, and second, withhold that activity if they take it for granted and don't put any effort into it.

Reply to
DerbyDad03

It's probably too late for that sort of thing for the 19 yr old. There's probably still hope for the 12 year old for that approach.

Reply to
Muggles

I didn't see the ages until after I posted.

However, for the most part the concept still applies, although with a 19 YO he will need to find a more "adult" activity, like coaching, mentoring, etc. Perhaps the 19 YO could be the "parent" for the 12 YO in an activity. I've seen older siblings supporting their younger ones in all sorts of activities.

Many organizations, even the AASBD, need more help than can be supplied by just the participating families. Finding something constructive for a

19YO can be extremely beneficial.
Reply to
DerbyDad03

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