Tool Definitions


Some of the best descriptions I've ever seen for tools.
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted
airplane part you were drying.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and
hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouch...."
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your
future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new disk brake pads, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off a hydraulic jack handle.
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.
PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbors to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.
SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog**** off your boot.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps off in bolt holes you couldn't use anyway.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the tensile strength on everything you forgot to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large prybar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last over tightened 58 years ago by someone at ERCO, and neatly rounds off their
heads.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50Β’ part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.
DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling “DAMMIT” at the top of your lungs. It is also the next tool that you will need.
EXPLETIVE: A balm, usually applied verbally in hindsight, which somehow eases those pains and indignities following our every deficiency in foresight.
TOOLS? WHAT TOOLS? I HAVE A TEENAGE SON?
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On Thu, 06 Oct 2005 03:12:26 GMT, snipped-for-privacy@sbcglobal.net (Tom) wrote:
... snip
Thanks; I've seen it before, but thought to save it this time. :-)
+--------------------------------------------------------------------------------+ If you're gonna be dumb, you better be tough +--------------------------------------------------------------------------------+
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On Thu, 06 Oct 2005 03:12:26 GMT, snipped-for-privacy@sbcglobal.net (Tom) wrote:

Original by Peter Egan Road & Track April, 1996
It's still hilarious.
--
LRod

Master Woodbutcher and seasoned termite
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I'm certain I saw them well before 1996.
--

Larry Wasserman Baltimore, Maryland
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On Thu, 06 Oct 2005 18:06:44 GMT, snipped-for-privacy@fellspt.charm.net (Lawrence Wasserman) wrote:

You may have, but I have the magazine (and permission from them to reprint), so I can attest to it absolutely, positively having appeared there then. Was it for the first time? I don't know. You could write to Peter Egan and ask him where he got it.
--
LRod

Master Woodbutcher and seasoned termite
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On Thu, 06 Oct 2005 03:12:26 GMT, snipped-for-privacy@sbcglobal.net (Tom) scribbled:

<snip of mechanics's tool stuff.
Here's the wooddorking version (courtesy J.F. Milliken) originally posted on 22/4/1998
<http://groups.google.ca/group/rec.woodworking/msg/76ce8518e32c77ae?dmode=source&hl=en
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer continues to be the tool of choice for making medium sized circular depressions in wooden surfaces of all kinds.
UTILITY KNIFE: Used to slice through the fingers. For purposes of sanitation, the blades are easily replaceable
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for stirring paint, this can also, with the proper accessories, destroy perfectly good wood in many ways.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads, break thumbscrews and wing nuts on older woodworking machinery of all kinds. A subcategory of this definition is NEEDLENOSE PLIERS: These are an unusual tool with a very unusual property-when you need them they become invisible. See also NAILSET.
SABER SAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads and crush irreplaceable parts.
BRAD POINT BITS: Used with the ELECTRIC HAND DRILL to make crooked, misaligned holes with flat bottoms.
FORSTNER BITS: Larger holes.
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly finished part you were drying.
SANDERS: BELT SANDER: Used for making rectangular gouges in wood.
PAD SANDER: Used for easing the edges of the rectangular gouges.
RANDOM ORBIT SANDER: Used for removing the marks left by the PAD SANDER, usually on any surface perpendicular to the original gouge. May also be used to make semicircular gouges in wood.
DETAIL SANDER:Makes triangular gouges, generally in blind corners where no amount of hand sanding can fix them.
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.
PHONE: Tool for calling your brother-in-law to see if he has your CLAMPS .
TABLE SAW. Used to make wood slightly narrower than necessary.
MITER SAW: Used to make wood slightly shorter than necessary.
THICKNESS PLANER: Used to make wood slightly thinner than necessary.
JOINTER: Used to make the too thin, too short, too narrow wood perfectly straight. Very useful for making two sides of a board perfectly straight but non-parallell.
TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under motorcycles at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Used to make textured marks in wooden surfaces.
SLOTTED SCREWDRIVER: Used to pry recalcitrant bolts and machine parts. Also useful for cleaning wood dust out of crevices.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a nail gun, which promptly puts the nail through a wire and halts the process with a bright blue flash. While this system will light your shop, it does not do so for any length of time.
PRY BAR: See SLOTTED SCREWDRIVER.
WORKBENCH: These are a form of tool with three stages; 1) An old door nailed to a pair of sawhorses of slightly differing height. This is then used in the making of-
2) The European style workbench. Finely joined, with very expensive hardware (vises and the like), this is a project that takes a year or so to construct. Fine hardwoods must be found, miscut and replaced, hardware must be misaligned and bent, finish must be redone several times. When complete, it is a true masterpiece, and therefore remains in the center of the workshop under a dust cover (to prevent scratches) or else is placed in the center of the living room and dusted regularly (see SWMBO). Real work is done on-
3) A slightly more battered door nailed to a pair of sawhorses.....
DUST COLLECTON SYSTEM: Machine used to mix small parts with sawdust and shavings in a large canister or bag.
BISCUIT JOINER: Tool used to misalign wood in a very consistent manner which can then be sanded heavily (See BELT SANDER).
CHISEL: Multi use tool-good for making deep cuts in the hand or driving slotted screws.
POWER SCREWDRIVER: Used for rounding out Phillips screwheads at high speed.
CORDLESS DRILL: Related to NEEDLENOSE PLIERS in that whenever this tool is needed the battery is dead.
ROUTER: Used to darken wood by friction and make smoke. For this latter purpose, it replaces the incense used by primitive woodworking cultures who wished to influence the woodworking deities. When used with a ROUTER TABLE this tool can be used to make varying profiles using a single bit and a single depth setting.
TAPE MEASURE: This device is used to measure length. It should be immediately dropped onto concrete several times so that measurements made with it will then agree with every other TAPE MEASURE in the world.
STRAIGHT EDGE: Long, thin piece of steel or other hard material, this is useful for scraping large surfaces.
RECIPROCATING SAW: This tool is designed to make crude cuts in demolition work. It is therefore not all that surprising that it often cuts perfectly straight.
CIRCULAR SAW: This tool has three purposes.
1) Making almost straight cuts in wood.
2) Making strange-smelling smoke when in use.
3) Removing excess digits. Unexcelled for this purpose.
MORTISING MACHINE: Used to make square holes, sometimes where they are meant to be.
TENONING JIG: Used to make parts of a piece of wood into a size which will just fit into the mortise made with the MORTISING MACHINE.
DEADBLOW HAMMER or MALLET: Used to enlarge the pieces made with the TENONING JIG so that they are just barely too big to fit into a mortise.
RABBET PLANE: Used to change the 'slightly oversized' tenon (See DEADBLOW HAMMER) to greatly undersized.
NAILSET: Used to make small, round depressions around the head of a finish nail. Principally used for decoration.
CLAMPS: These come in two sizes:too small and loaned to an in-law.
WOOD STOVE: Originally designed to heat the workshop, these have evolved into a foolproof system for disposing of botched pieces of wood. This is one of the great advantages of woodworking over metalworking, as the only similar device in metalworking is a FOUNDRY.
WOOD STORAGE RACK: This is a device for keeping wood dry and protected on its way to the WOOD STOVE.
Luigi Replace "nonet" with "yukonomics" for real email address www.yukonomics.ca/wooddorking/humour.html www.yukonomics.ca/wooddorking/antifaq.html http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wikipedia:WikiProject_Woodworking
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Have to say - I actually teared up from laughter at these 3 :
TABLE SAW. Used to make wood slightly narrower than necessary.
MITER SAW: Used to make wood slightly shorter than necessary.
THICKNESS PLANER: Used to make wood slightly thinner than necessary.
(Tom)

<http://groups.google.ca/group/rec.woodworking/msg/76ce8518e32c77ae?dmode=source&hl=en
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Wonderful!
--
Life. Nature's way of keeping meat fresh. -- Dr. Who

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Tom wrote:

How about...
UNISAW: Powerful cabinet saw equally willing and able to make lumber exactly ONE INCH shorter than intended, on a moment's notice.
That MUST be the definition, as my Unisaw has so often proved. In fact, it swiftly reduced to fine pieces of walnut to scrap--my last 2 pieces I had in stock, of course. sigh...
Dave
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"to" should be "two".
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Or How about UNISAW: A material launching pad. DAMHIK
Gary
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