Tips for potential Studo Woodworkerists

[charlie b]

Been getting into turning. Just about any piece of wood that?s at least

3/4 inches thick and at least 4 inches long is a candidate for turning into something - literally. And while turning the third variation of what started with a Turned Snot-tite

see alt.binaries.pictures.woodworking for photo or

had a flash of insight into how to become a Studio Woodworker, more specifically a Turnist, Furniturist and maybe a Boxist. Woodist is just to vague.

First, you?ve got to come up with a ?style? which is easily recognized. It can either be easily copied (gets your style out there in the public eye and makes your ?original works? more valuable, or so complicated that no one else can figure out how to do knock offs before you come up with your next new style).

Second, you?ve got to work in ?series? or ?periods? or ?phases?, making variations and variations of variations of a ?concept? that fits into your ?style?. A great story about the genesis of each ?series? and a unique story about each piece, along, perhaps, with your interpretation of its meaning, is also a good idea. If you?re going after The Art World, skip your interpretation of a piece?s meaning - art collectors love to interpret things and share their insights with guests at cocktail parties. If that?s your market, better use obscure names for each piece.

Third, you must come up with memorable names for each ?piece? In a series. The name should fit the story developed in The Second Insight.

Fourth, sign and date each piece, or at least initial it and date it.

Fifth, keep a written journal of your ?work? - that will add to the ?provenance? and extracts can be included in the catalogue of each of your shows.

Sixth, work in either rare, exotic woods OR really cheap/less expensive very common woods - either end of the spectrum will work - if you get out on the extremes.

Seventh, always give the dimensions of each piece in millimeters - it?s more continental and makes things seem bigger than they actually are. That?s if you?re in the USA. If you?re anywhere else, use inches. Patrons love to do a little mental exercise between writing checks.

Eighth, change how you pronounce your first name - the one on your birth certificate. It?ll stick in peoples? minds better. Charles for example becomes Chawls or Sharuls or Shawls.

Ninth, add some kind of accent mark to your last name to change the emphasized syllable. Jones with a tilde over the ?e? becomes jo-Nez. If your last name is only one syllable, add a letter or two. Smith sounds pretty common. But Smiythe on the other hand, or better yet Smipth (the ?p? Is silent, as in swimming, (sorry - lifeguard joke) will stick in peoples heads. If all else fails, add an umlaut (sp?)

Tenth, use words that don?t go together ?my work is nano-monumental? or ?has a certain dynamic repose? or ?is perfectly asymetirc? or ?has a static fluidity to it?. (Worked for Lead Zepplin - but didn?t work for Iron Butterfly). If you can?t come up with anything in english, throw in some french. Avoid GERMAN - too guttural. If a word requires phlegm to pronounce it correctly it?s best to skip it- unless your market is in Germany, Austria or Belgium. Also avoid Russian - finding fonts for your ?exhibit? catalogue might be difficult.

Still working on Attire, Hair, Accessories and Studio Ambiance.

charlie b

[wood_newbie]

Goddam this is funny.

[Swingman]

Ditto ... makes you wonder if a PhD in either Education or Psychology wouldn't be an excellent prerequisite for coming up with the phraseology needed to be a successful "woodworkerist".

[wood_newbie]

The "nano-monumental" and "dynamic repose" reminded me of Thurber on wine: "It's an unassuming little wine, but I think you'll be amused by its pretentiousness."

[Charlie Self]

Nah...just read the "art" reviews in Time & Newsweek and about three of the snootier papers from here and BG.

More meaningless BS than you can believe, and the thing is, these guys can string it out to the point where levity fails and boredom sets in. You can only laugh so long. Then, when your sides are incredibly painful, you hunker down and nod off, at least imitating boredom.

If you try to stifle the guffaw's, you'll probably end up with the turned snot Charlie B described hung up in your nose.

[Mark & Juanita]

... snip

LOL! :-)

+--------------------------------------------------------------------------------+ If you're gonna be dumb, you better be tough +--------------------------------------------------------------------------------+

[Prometheus]

Well, Charlie, I think you've got most of it...

Now, having known a lot of art students when I was living in Minneapolis, I can tell you what I saw.

Some different types (mostly college aged)

Type one: Tight all black clothing, beret. Red hair for women, black hair for men, with goatee (no mustache) dirty and greasy looking in both cases. Smelly, with gaudy cheap jewelery. Slight greenish tint to the very pale skin. Dead fish cold handshake.

Accessories- Silver ankh, facial piercings, shiny shoes with square toes, eyeshadow (men and women) red wine, attitude problem.

Studio ambience- crypt. Lots of black and red curtains, and fake spider webs hanging on the wall-mounted candle holders.

Type two: Retro- clothes from the thrift shop, usually polyester shirts in loud prints with the top couple of buttons open. Dirty jeans with colorful patches. Straw cowboys hats and sandals seem to be popular with these folks. Spiky extreme-sports hairdos. Smelly as well, but more tanned and often freckled.

Accessories- Plastic bracelets, Lots of japanese-anime type kitch and/or rusty bits of junk they call "found art". Expensive imported beer.

Studio ambience- Flat white. Lots of fluorescents. Pictures of things like monkeys riding bicycles, and black and white photographs of small children with balloons.

Type three: (sculptors, mostly) Dusty and dirty- bib overalls and work boots. Big cuts and callouses. Generally not too smelly, but extremely quiet. Didn't bother even looking at their hair after toweling it off. Always touching stuff.

Accessories- Often carry a caliper around, and have a rusty truck with banged up bed. Cresent wrench, Chisel and sledgehammer. Look like tradesmen, and often do the same work, but with a different end result (good people to know if you need something welded) Seem to prefer 5 gallon pails as tool boxes.

Studio ambience- barn or garage. Lots of bits of junk hanging on the walls for easy access. (This whole deal is probably different for stone scuptors, but I never met any of them.)

Of course, there are plenty of other types, but these were the most common that I saw. Woodturners are more likely to be "type three" if you had to choose one of the above, but I suppose you could have one that thought they were a vampire as well. Then again, I never met a turner that went to art school- most of them I know look and act like really friendly lumberjacks. And in my book, that's better than being lumped in with a bunch of creepy artist types anyhow.

Then again, YMMV!

[Larry Jaques]

Women with goatees? Tres gauche! (In addition to the other highly admirable traits listed. Ick incarnate.)

(snip of other cute crap)

[Tom Watson]

I think yer onto somethin' real good hear, charlieb.

Fer instance, the padauk snot stalactite might be;

"C-less Dripping PolyUrinestain Onto The Transcendental BowSaur Under A Full Moon".

OK, mebbe not.

How about; "Note To Myself: Schedule Prostate Exam".

Prolly ain't mysticalish enough.

Anyways, yer doin' real good and I expects ta see ya between the covers of Fyne WoodDorkyng any day now, hopefully not while yer sleeping on a park bench.

Tom Watson - WoodDorker tjwatson1ATcomcastDOTnet (email)

(website)

[Larry Jaques]

Right, maybe not. ;)

No, but it's mighty evocative.