PUKEY YARD DUCK

http://www.runnerduck.com/flying_duck.htm
About time a quality plan was posted again.
JOAT It's not hard, if you get your mind right. - Granny Weatherwax
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So _that_'s the original "pukey duck"? I think I'm gonna skip breakfast.
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Fri, Oct 13, 2006, 9:15am snipped-for-privacy@cox.net (J.Clarke) doth queryeth: So _that_'s the original "pukey duck"? I think I'm gonna skip breakfast.
No, that is "A" pukey yard duck. Your ignorance on this subject is deplorable, this is a highly respected form of yard art - in some circles. I see that at least you showed the proper amount of respect for them considered appropriate here. Pukey yard duck lovers of the world unite!
JOAT It's not hard, if you get your mind right. - Granny Weatherwax
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So a pukey yard duck, by definition, is any duck-like yard ornament? Google turned up almost nothing except your INSPIRATIONS. Therefore, I think you must be the world expert on pukey yard ducks. So I'll ask you: If I wanted to build an "authentic" pukey yard duck, should I use hardwood or baltic birch ply or melamine-covered MDF? If I use melamine, what color should it be? Should I finish that with poly or varnish or waterborne? Where can I get shellac for that? How can I keep it from rusting? Should it be laminated or bandsawn? Is there a way I can build it without using any hand tools at all? What size DC would be suitable for pukey yard duck production? Where can I find pukey yard duck hardware? Do I need to set all 3 jointer knives before starting? Will my 2hp router be big enough for that? The INSPIRATION is nice, but where can I find a step-by-step PLAN for a pukey yard duck? TIA, Andy
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http://groups.google.com/group/rec.woodworking/browse_frm/thread/393e8ffd5eac5c8b/9b366c77ddbcd8d2?lnk=st&q=&rnum=2&hl=en#9b366c77ddbcd8d2
PUKEY DUCK DESIGN/BUILD CONTEST - FAQ.
Q:    What CAD program should I use to design my Pukey Duck?
AutoCad would be the cheapest way to go. You might try to pick up a copy of the proprietary CAD program that ILM (Industrial Light and Magic) uses - might be one on EBray. Lacking that, there's the design software that NASA uses to build its stuff - O'Deen prolly has a copy laying around.
Q:    Where can I get plans for Pukey Ducks?
JOAT would be happy to give you free plans. He's always happy to reply to emule requests for free plans from folks just like you. Hell, if you're in the neighborhood, just stop on by and see him. If I can find his phone number, I'll cross post it to all of Usenet so that you'll be sure to see it.
Q:    Many ask: "I have become entranced by the design possibilities of 'Robin's Butt'. This curve has come to replace the 'Cyma Recta' as well as the 'Cyma Reversa' in my work. Is it acceptable to include this element in my Pukey Duck?"
My own response would be only to refer to that wisdom that I've seen on Television:
"A behind is a terrible thing to waste."
Q:    I went looking for Genuine Taiwanese Budgetwood for my pukey duck but couldn't find it at my local lumber yard. I did find it at WalMart but it was already a piece of furniture. Is it OK to use this?
Recycling is an honorable way to go on this projekt and yer a fine ole dood fer even thinkin' 'bout it. Anyone who makes a Pukey Duck from virgin timbre prolly oughta have a can a whoopazz opened up on them.
If you will note Jummy's eponymic reference to Jummywood (see supra) you will see that this is the only appropriate old growth slammajamma to make Pukey Ducks with.
Back to that recycling issue: Be sure to plane off the staple marks from the WallyWorld Funiture. It is considered to be bad norm (psy...) to leave these as a reference to its previous usage.
(BTW: Watch out fer boltheads and such when you run yer Satanly Cabnet Skraper over yer Pukey Duck. Gettcha one a Nahmie's Airline Quality Metal Detectors (hurry to buy one - they're gettin' scarcer than Satanly 55 Nickers) and give a couple passes over yer work. Dat's da ticket!)
Q:    Should I stain my Pukey Duck or leave it natural?
This is one of those religious issues that pops up occassionaly here on The Wreck. I don't really give a damn what you do.
Q:    What are the contest rules?
Who said anything about rules? This is The Wreck, dipstick - and we don't need no steenkin' rules. Anyway, I'm figuring that we all put up pictures of our Pukey Ducks and on the Eighth Anniversary (April 24) we'll borrow the Applause Meter from 'Name That Tune' and use it.
Q:    Hasn't 'Name That Tune' been off the air for years?
(sound of gunshot) Next question.
Q:    Will the competition be broken down into categories?
I was hoping that each of the entries would be so distinctive as to resist categorization entirely but in a general sense we could have MOST PUKEY, MOST DUCKY, BEST NEANDER DUQUE, BEST NORMITE DUK, that sorta thing.
Q:    Where should I put up pictures of my completed Pukey Duck?
I don't give a...Oh, that was a previous question. Well, ya could put them up on ABPW but I'd stay away from ABPF because those guys are a bunch of elitist pricks and it's best not to get them all fired up. You could put them up on your personal webspace, provided by your ISP. You could hack into the CIA website and put them up there, for that matter.
Q:    What kind of finish should I put on my Pukey Duck?
Another religious question. The traditional Pukey Duck finish is dog pee. It will not be a problem, even for the most neo of neophytes to achieve the warm amber glow that marks this historically correct finish. Just set your freshly sanded Pukey Duck on the lawn - dogs will pass up a bitch in heat to pee on a freshly sanded Pukey Duck.
Q:    How many entries can I put up?
It's kinda like they say about Election Day in Philly - 'Vote Early and Often'. Since there ain't no rules it don't matter how many entries you put up. You ain't gonna win nuthin' anyways.
Q:    Speaking of that - what are the prizes?
(Quoting a Great American) 'Sigh...' You really need to get over this childish bullshit about prizes and such. Who are we to sit in judgement over another man's Pukey Duck and therefore who are we to hand out prizes. Besides, yer talkin' about some seriously cheap bastuhds, no way anybody's kickin' in to provide prize money for some stupid Pukey Duck. If the acclaim and huzzahs of yer fellow rec.normites ain't enough fer ya - bugger off then.
(This Pukey Duck FAQ is a living document. All suggestions will be carefully considered before being ignored. Have a nice day).
Regards,
Tom Watson
tjwatson1ATcomcastDOTnet (real email)
http://home.comcast.net/~tjwatson1 /
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Sat, Oct 14, 2006, 5:55am snipped-for-privacy@erehwon.com (TomWatson) doth wisely posteth: http://groups.google.com/group/rec.woodworking/browse_frm/thread/393e8ffd5eac5c8b/9b366c77ddbcd8d2?lnk=st&q=&rnum=2&hl=en#9b366c77ddbcd8d2 PUKEY DUCK DESIGN/BUILD CONTEST - FAQ. <snip>
Ah, I just finished talling Andy that you were the pukey duck guru, and here you post this - proving me right. Take the poor chap under your wing Tom, and try to show him the light. It'll probably be an uphill battle, but It'd be great if you could help the poor soul out.
Oh yeah, no one should send e-mail to me, I've got old wasshisname filtering all my e-mail for me, so be sure to send your e-mail to him, and not me. It works better all around that way. Thanks.
JOAT It's not hard, if you get your mind right. - Granny Weatherwax
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Also, what's a fair price for a PUKEY YARD DUCK (mustn't forget the capitalization) and how's the market for them and what's the best way to market them?
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Sat, Oct 14, 2006, 7:43am snipped-for-privacy@cox.net (J.Clarke) now doth query: Also, what's a fair price for a PUKEY YARD DUCK (mustn't forget the capitalization) and how's the market for them and what's the best way to market them?
Oh c'mon now, you can't ask a general question like that and really expect a viable answer. Besides quality of work, species of duck, and so on, it always depends on location, location, location. You're not going to get the same price in Kansas City (either one), as in New Youk City, and not the same price in New York City as in San Francisco. Tsk, tsk, tsk, you should be ashamed, asking such a questions.
JOAT It's not hard, if you get your mind right. - Granny Weatherwax
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Fri, Oct 13, 2006, 10:14pm (EDT-3) snipped-for-privacy@gmail.com (Andy) doth puzzedly queryth: So a pukey yard duck, by definition, is any duck-like yard ornament? Google turned up almost nothing except your INSPIRATIONS. Therefore, I think you must be the world expert on pukey yard ducks.<snip>
Ah, a common amateur's mistake. The Fraternal Order of Pukey Duck Makers was in existance long before I got here, so it's obvious you did a poor job of googling. I've only been here for 10 years or so, and apparently you've been here for a lot less than that, but have not paying much attention. As for "expert" pukey duck status, that might well be Tom Watson, he's more knowledgable than anyone else I've ever heard of, I just post the stuff as I run across it. You need to address any and all questions to Tom, I'd give you his telephone number if I had it, you could call collect; I don't, so e-mail will have to suffice. E-mail him with any and all questions you may have, and encourage any of your friends with questions to e-mail him also.
Good luck on your puky duck making.
JOAT It's not hard, if you get your mind right. - Granny Weatherwax
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On Sat, 14 Oct 2006 11:19:50 -0400, J T wrote:

Nota Bene: There is no need to confine your questions to the topic of Pukey Ducks, either. Just ask him any ol' question and he'll gladly stay up all night doing Google searches on your behalf while you prepare yourself mentally (by getting a full nights sleep) to reject his answers.
Bill
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