OT: Sooo true

[Robatoy]

A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life Dilbert-type managers. These were voted the top ten quotes in corporate America : [ these are just as applicable in government -- maybe more so...]

"As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday, and employees will receive their cards in two weeks."

(This was the winning quote from Fred Dales, Microsoft Corp. in Redmond WA )

"What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter."

(Lykes Lines Shipping)

"E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business." (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)

"This project is so important we can't let things that are more important interfere with it."(Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)

"Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule ."

(Plant Manager, Delco Corporation)

"No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them."

(R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)

Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say."

(Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me."

(Shipping executive, FTD Florists)

"We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees."

(Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)

[Morris Dovey]

My favorite is a one-line telex I heard my 2nd-level manager at IBM's East Fishkill Lab dictate and order sent to his counterpart at the Uithoorn Lab:

"Fuck you. Nasty memo follows."

I'm not sure it improved any on the cooperation he didn't feel he was getting from the Dutch...

[RonB]

The best Dilbert I saw was one we used to aggravate our finance department in my previous life.

It was a picture of a guy with a pile of books under his arm. He was leaning hard against a door that had a "Pull" sign. Next to the door was another sign that said "School for the Gifted". We scratched that out and put in "Finance Department".

That pissed our finance folks off enough that the company had to bring in a team builder to patch things up. (At the time it was the last of several taunts.).

Ended up doing after hours team an counseling but well worth it!

RonB

[Joe]

The best Dilbert I saw was one we used to aggravate our finance department in my previous life.

It was a picture of a guy with a pile of books under his arm. He was leaning hard against a door that had a "Pull" sign. Next to the door was another sign that said "School for the Gifted". We scratched that out and put in "Finance Department".

That pissed our finance folks off enough that the company had to bring in a team builder to patch things up. (At the time it was the last of several taunts.).

Ended up doing after hours team an counseling but well worth it!

RonB

That wasn't Dilbert, it was Far Side (and one of my favorites as well)

[Stuart]

At one time one of the rooms I worked in had this cryptic notice on the door - "Mushroom shed"

This was because management seemed to think that if they kept everyone in the dark about what was going on we would work (grow) better.

Actually I think it was because they hadn't a clue what they were doing either!

[Lew Hodgett]

------------------------------------------ Heard it was a fax:

"Fuck you, strong letter to follow."

Lew

[Lew Hodgett]

Takes something like this to remind me why I became self employed.

Lew

[keithw86]

Sounds like something Marv (A.K.A. "Adolf") Pitler would do.

[Swingman]

I shudder thinking about it ... except for 6 years in the Army, 1964 was the last time I was an "employee" ... no way in hell I would have made it otherwise.

[Paul Franklin]

Every time someone goes off on how bad government is at managing things and how much better private industry is at running things I think back over my 30+ years in high tech and have a good laugh.

Well managed organizations are as rare in the business sector as they are in government. There seems to be an unlimited supply of incompetance around.

Dilbert is funny because it is so universal; we all see it around us all the time.

Paul F.

[news]

I actually worked for this organization for a while (among the many places in AT&T that used my skills over 30+ years). Communications was something they sold; it was not be used in-house. Promotion to certain levles of managemet seemed to be dependent on whether/how much of a lobotomy had been performed.

One manager asked if I was interested in moving higher in the company and I told him I was quite happy being a techie "supervisor" with the only reportee being me ;-)

John

[Dave Balderstone]

Far Side, not Dilbert.

[Swingman]

topic ... check it now, because it will probably change tonight.

[Mark & Juanita]

I've got one from one of the troops:

"Bear in mind that the tasks on the schedule may not necessarily be the tasks being worked on by the development team. You (management) were provided the information you have because you insisted on being given a schedule."

[Mark & Juanita]

Except that unless you are an employee of that particular company in the business sector, they can't tell *you* how to live your life, how much money you have to give them (by force of law), or enforce other onerous regulations upon you. In most cases, with most (NOTE -- THAT SAID MOST, NOT ALL, there are some limited exceptions such as power generation and even that has alternatives, just not great ones) private companies, you have a choice and if they get too obnoxious, you can take your business elsewhere. If it's the government doing it, you are pretty much stuck.

[LDosser]

Snip

I worked for the Yin to their Yang: Xerox. In 1981 I started working there using computer software and hardware that only came on the commercial market in the late 1990s made by other companies. At the time, I asked why I'd never seen any of these wondrous toys on the market and was told "Oh, we only built this stuff for Internal Use." Was the kind of place that could leave you whimpering ...

[Larry Jaques]

On Mon, 18 Jan 2010 13:04:24 -0800 (PST), the infamous Robatoy scrawled the following:

Gee, this one looks familiar. ;)

Hooray for the Dilbert Contest! These were all great.

[Swingman]

Everyone, repeat, EVERYONE, from kindergarten to MBA's, needs to be required to read Chapter 10 of Charles Dickens' "Little Dorrit" at least once a year,

working for the government, including politicians, should be required to memorize it word for word, and it should be posted on all public buildings ... :)

[Nahmie]

A quote from a US Navy leadership class:

I know you think you understand what you thought you heard me say, BUT, I am not sure you realize that what I said was not what I meant.

Have never read "Little Dorrit", but remember a Ford mechanic in early '50's(when they had such "better" ideas as the master cylinder under the floorboard, requiring special tools to get to it) saying that ALL design engineers should be required to work as mechanics for at least

1 year before being allowed near a drafting table.

Norm

[Robert Bonomi]

PARC??