OT: Humor, Don't Say This To A Cop

NEVER SAY TO A COP
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around.. That's how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"
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How about
Officer: Are you drinking? You: Are you buying?
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Not quite in _that_ class (either as to the remark, or the underlying 'facts'), but, _many_ years ago, I was 'just along for the ride', when a friend had the following conversation with a cop:
Cop: Do you know how fast you were driving?
Him: Yes, officer, I do. I was driving too fast, i forgot about the speed- limit change 8 blocks back. Anyway, your radar read-out _should_ have been showing thirty-eight-and-a-half mph.
Cop: actually, it showed 37....
Him: (interrupting) Then, you radar is wrong, and needs to be re-calibrated.
Cop: What makes you say that?
Him: This is an ex-police vehicle, and has a certified, calibrated speedometer. =and= I had it through the {name of nearby community} precision test course *this*morning*. just after having a major tune-up done. That check showed that my speedometer was reading 1-1/2 mph higher than actual. When I came over the rise and saw your car, I looked down, and the speed- ometer was indicating precisely 40 MPH. thus the actual speed was 38-1/2.
I thought I was doing only 32-33 -- the tune-up made a major difference in the way the car drives. I'll be paying _much_ closer attention to what the speedometer says, at least until the changed 'feel' sinks in.
Cop: Under the circumstances, I'll let you go with a warning, this time. And have the radar re-checked. Just one question, *how* did you get onto/through the {name of community} test course?
Him: Oh, _that_ was easy -- I work part-time as relief dispatcher for the {name of community} police department.
Whereupon the cop busts out laughing.
I never had anything like that happen to me -- closest I came was the stops by _every_ L.E. agency in the territory (one per agency), when I was driving a van with no license plates. One that _didn't_need_ license plates. Oddly enough, somebody from each department would stop me, and 'discuss' the issue, while they were being educated.
On more than one occasion, when I was driving in through an area where I had -not- been stopped yet, I'd notice the prowl car behind me, well -before- they hit the lights to pull me over. In which cases, I would pull over when the officer reached down to turn his lights on. This got to be a little funny when I've pulled over before he looked back up at the street -- and he then has to pull over _in_front_ of me.
Then the 'non-communication' would start. along the lines of:
Him: Lost your license plate, son?
Me: Nope! It's painted on the door.
Him: ???
Me: I could explain, but it'd take a while -- may I suggest that you get on {radio frequency} (the inter-community 'mutual aid' channel) and ask {big city} dispatch about it. They know all about it, as this vehicle 'lives' in their jurisdiction.
This usually took 2-3 minutes, and the officer would come back, shaking his head -- "Thats a new one on me, but you're right -- you *don't* need license plates for this vehicle".
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wrote:
To appreciate the following exchange, you must understand that my car is a 1965 VW beetle with a 69 body. It is rusty, delapidated and the interior is a total ruin. The engine is good, but what the heck, I mean it's a _VW_!
So here I am tooling down the freeway and a cop pulls me over.
Cop: Do you realize you were doing 79 miles an hour.
Me: You're kidding!
Cop (as he hands me a warning): You might want to frame this.
--RC
"Sometimes history doesn't repeat itself. It just yells 'can't you remember anything I've told you?' and lets fly with a club. -- John W. Cambell Jr.
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<take out 'takeout' to reply> wrote:

Were you being assisted by a 60 mile-an-hour tail-wind??
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On Fri, 28 Jan 2005 23:44:38 -0000, snipped-for-privacy@host122.r-bonomi.com (Robert Bonomi) wrote:

I didn't think the thing could do more than about 72 no matter what the speedometer said.
--RC

"Sometimes history doesn't repeat itself. It just yells 'can't you remember anything I've told you?' and lets fly with a club. -- John W. Cambell Jr.
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snipped-for-privacy@TAKEOUTmindspring.com wrote:

Maybe it went ever-so-slightly downhill?

--
--John
Reply to jclarke at ae tee tee global dot net
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On Sat, 29 Jan 2005 05:52:54 GMT, snipped-for-privacy@TAKEOUTmindspring.com

You'd be surprised at how good you can get going in an aerodynamic car with horsepower ratings in the 30's.
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LOL ... don't put down that old bug, they can roll. I had the proverbial "$50 Volkswagen" while stationed in Germany for a couple of years in the late 60's, early 70's (buy it for $50 when you get there, sell it for $50 when you leave). Routinely had it past 100mph for an hour or more on the autobahn, without pushing.
Being from swamp country instead of snow country, it was also a very forgiving vehicle for the couple of blizzards I went through.
On reflection, the best $00.00 I ever spent.
--
www.e-woodshop.net
Last update: 11/06/04
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hour or more w/o pushing. But did you notice the units on that speedometer? <g>
--
Alex -- Replace "nospam" with "mail" to reply by email. Checked infrequently.

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4ax.com:

over 80, downhill, with a breeze helping (km/h, that is). Very comfortable to drive in, Holland, Belgium, Luxembourg, France and into Switzerland. It did get across the Alps into Italy and back. However, we missed the exit in Basel to get back into France, so we had to drive the autobahn at <80 km/h, with the trucks flashing their high beams at us, since we were going slower than them in the slow lane uphill.
Now driving a '97 Voyager in NJ ...
--
Best regards
Han
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On Sat, 29 Jan 2005 03:20:53 +0000, Han wrote:

Dumped a '66 Olds 442 and bought a spanky new '70 bug just before I got married in '70. Paid $1900 for it (and considerably more for the marriage). Drove it for 10 years and 150,000 miles (with only one extra engine) and sold it for $1000. Still with the original bride from '70.
- Doug (the bride did buy me a spanky new Monkey Wards RAS the first Christmas)
--

To escape criticism--do nothing, say nothing, be nothing." (Elbert Hubbard)


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On Fri, 28 Jan 2005 20:28:35 -0700, Doug Winterburn

Bought mine for $800 in 1985 or so. I figure I've gotten my money out of it.
--RC "Sometimes history doesn't repeat itself. It just yells 'can't you remember anything I've told you?' and lets fly with a club. -- John W. Cambell Jr.
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On Sat, 29 Jan 2005 05:55:20 +0000, rcook5 wrote:

What? - the wife, the RAS or the VW? ;-)
--

To escape criticism--do nothing, say nothing, be nothing." (Elbert Hubbard)


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On Fri, 28 Jan 2005 22:58:43 -0700, Doug Winterburn

The VW. Don't own a RAS and the wife is worth a hell of a lot more than I paid for her. (What's the line about 'more precious than rubies'?)
--RC "Sometimes history doesn't repeat itself. It just yells 'can't you remember anything I've told you?' and lets fly with a club. -- John W. Cambell Jr.
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True Story "If you useless bastards had been doing your jobs, on points, when the power went down it'd still be there". My Son in-law, when stopped by the local coppers to ask why his front Number Plate was missing. An hour after the stop he finally got home. the coppers pulled his car apart searching for ????. When asked what they were looking for the answer was "You'll know it when we find it". Why the Number plate wasn't there! A week or so ago there was a blackout in the centre of Kalgoorlie. A bloke in a 4x4 ute failed to give way his right at a set of inoperative traffic lights. The Son in-law heard a bang but never felt a thing in his car, however upon looking out the side window to see what had caused the noise, he spied his front plate spinning across the road. no other damage. Some people have just got to learn when to keep there bloody big traps shut. :) John
Bob Schmall wrote:

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