OT Humor: Colonoscopy Comments

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The following is apparently making the office rounds. My wife sent it to me this a.m. After having my first prostate exam a month or so back, I can semi-relate. ;) _____ Things a man might say during a colonoscopy
A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies: 1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!" 2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?" 3. "Can you hear me NOW?" 4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?" 5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married." 6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?" 7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..." 8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!" 9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!" 10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity." 11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?" 12. "God, Now I know why I am not gay." And the best one of them all... 13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there."
--
Owen Lowe and his Fly-by-Night Copper Company
____

"Sure we'll have fascism in America, but it'll come disguised
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One of the last things the medical corps did for me was give me a 'scope.
My comment was that things ended pretty much as they had begun.

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On Thu, 09 Dec 2004 13:43:21 -0800, Fly-by-Night CC

TRUE TERROR: Happening to notice that -both- of the doctor's hands are on your shoulders during the prostate exam.
-snip of colonoscopy joke-
========================================================= CAUTION: Do not use remaining fingers as pushsticks! ========================================================= http://www.diversify.com Comprehensive Website Development
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Thu, Dec 9, 2004, 3:47pm (EST-3) novalidaddress@di\/ersify.com (Larry Jaques) advises: TRUE TERROR: Happening to notice that -both- of the doctor's hands are on your shoulders during the prostate exam.
Have you changed your doctor yet? LMAO
JOAT We cannot direct the wind, but we can adjust the sails. - unknown
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I can only add my comment upon my exit:
Where's the excape hatch?
The staff got quite a giggle.
--
PDQ --
| as 100% Americanism." -- Huey P. Long
<SNIP>
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Fly-by-Night CC wrote:

I said something original like "Feet don't fail me now*!!" as I hustled (as best I could) out the door... That was a once-in-a-lifetime experience (I hope).     mahalo,     jo4hn
* anybody else remember those Charlie Chan films with Birmingham Brown (played by Manton Moreland) using that now famous phrase?
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jo4hn -
Hate to disappoint you, Sport. After about age 50 it's an occasional thing. If they FOUND anything . . . it's every two years or so, especially if your wife works in GI and 'cares about you'.
Plus . . . if it really is a 'scopeing' your not saying ANYTHING because you are 'unconscious'. {'waking sedation' actually . . . I went round and round that semantic tree with a 'gas passer' for some time}. It's really 'good stuff' with a amnesia-like after effect. Believe me, if you weren't 'out' you would think the Inquisition had returned !!
Yes, I do remember the Chan movies, and a couple of others where similar characters used the phrase, 'FEETS don't fail me now !!'
Regards & Good Luck, Ron Magen Backyard Boatshop {I'm trying to maneuver around my NEXT excursion now . . . It would be nice if they would agree that Bourbon was a 'clear liquid', and ingestion was allowed up to an hour before}
SNIP

SNIP
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I had some stomach surgery done a couple of years ago, and clarified with the surgeon _before_ I agreed to go in (not much choice, but still...) that a good Single-Malt Scotch was in fact a "clear liquid". That was for post-operative ingestion, though.
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Dave Hinz wrote:

Five days after my gastric bypass, I had a few sips of beer on the theory that it was covered under the "clear liquids only" rule. Without going into detail, allow me to say it was a mistake.... a big mistake.
Thankfully, I'm able to drink pretty much anything now. I can eat most things now too... just not as much of them. A pizza that used to be one meal now lasts me for four.
--
Mortimer Schnerd, RN

snipped-for-privacy@carolina.rr.com.REMOVE
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On Sat, 11 Dec 2004 00:35:59 GMT, "Mortimer Schnerd, RN"

Some of us have gotten to that stage without the "benefit' of a gastric bypass....
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wrote:

nice
was
that
detail,
things
lasts
Must be serendipity! In the midst of this thread, received the following from a friend.
I went into my proctologist's office for my first rectal exam. His new nurse, Elaine, took me to an examining room and told me to get undressed and have a seat until the doctor could see me. She said that he would only be a few minutes. After putting on the gown that she gave me I sat down. While waiting I observed that there were three items on a stand next to the exam table:
1. a Tube of K-Y jelly 2. a rubber glove 3. and a beer.
When the doctor finally came in I said, "Look Doc, I'm a little confused. This is my first exam. I know what the K-Y is for, and I know what the glove is for, but can you tell me what the BEER is for?"
At that Doctor Paul became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door. He flung the door open and yelled to his nurse.......
Darn it ELAINE!!!!!!!!!!! I said a BUTT LIGHT"
--
Nahmie
Those on the cutting edge bleed a lot.
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--
Owen Lowe and his Fly-by-Night Copper Company
____

"Sure we'll have fascism in America, but it'll come disguised
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wrote:

After this I'll remember to add the standard *disclaimer*! "I didn't give birth to it." (LOL)
--
Nahmie
Those on the cutting edge bleed a lot.
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On Sat, 11 Dec 2004 00:35:59 GMT, "Mortimer Schnerd, RN"

Uh, does this fall into the category of "shoemaker's children?" or did you get your RN AFTER the surgery?
- - LRod
Master Woodbutcher and seasoned termite
Shamelessly whoring my website since 1999
http://www.woodbutcher.net
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On Sat, 11 Dec 2004 00:35:59 GMT, Mortimer Schnerd, RN

Yes, non-carbonated is definately important.
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Mort (from sci.med.n.!)
how are ya doin. yea, those colonoscopies can be bizarre.
Fortunately, versed works wonders. the true soft sledge hammer!
Someone
--
************************
snipped-for-privacy@somewherever.com
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meal now

As I've gotten older, I'm experiencing the same thing. Unfortunately the reduction in eating volume has not resulted in a reduction of weight. It might be because there's some reduction in exercise, but I tend to believe the older age has an accompanying slower internal physiology.
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Man, you ain't kidding! I used to be able to eat anything, much to the envy and aggravation of friends and colleagues (good genes). Now, I guess I've gotten much more efficient at processing food, it sure doesn't take much to put another pound on the scale the next morning. Shoulda' known that was coming -- dad had the same kind of problem around my age also.
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The sigmoidoscopy is no sedative. The air pumped in can make you bend over in gut pain like wicked bad gas. The doctor can let out on the pressure for a few seconds when you whine and then pump you back up. Maybe it was just me who was a few minutes late for the procedure who got the painful treatment. Basically a look see at some hemorrhoid problems. Drink more water is my self cure. Those things get itchy when I am dehydrated. http://ibscrohns.about.com/cs/diagnostictesting/p/dtsigmoidoscopy.htm
This is the good one that you have done if you have a family history of colon cancer. Sedation is required lest you run out of the office with a long probe sicking out your butt. http://ibscrohns.about.com/cs/diagnostictesting/a/colonoscopy.htm

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The only good thing is that it is over in 10 minutes and you feel good when the doctor says you have no problems! Kind of surreal watching it on the TV screen as the probe is moving along. Reminded me of a 1950's science fiction adventure.
Yeah, you really should have it done.
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