OT: Creative Puns for Educated (?) Minds

In the event that you have not had these cross your screen or that old correspondence mode called paper and . . .
1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's Round Table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated in an algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, "You stay here, I'll go on a head."
14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said, "Keep off the Grass."
16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, "No change yet."
17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
20. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
21. A backward poet writes inverse.
22. In a democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your count that votes.
23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
24. Don't join dangerous cults, practice safe sects!
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jo4hn wrote:

Additionally, an Argentine cowboy dancing on that floor would result in gaucho marks.
--

dadiOH
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On 6/30/2009 9:24 AM jo4hn spake thus:

Just to make this groan-fest a little bit wurst:
Old songs:
"She was only the washroom attendant's daughter, but everyone urined for her."
"My baby criticized my apartment, so I knocked her flat."
"Don't go through the screen door, Ma--you might strain yourself."
"Get off of that stove, Ma! You're too old to ride the range."
"I kissed my baby goodbye at the station and then I went off in my uniform."
"You can lock me up and throw away the key, but you can't keep my face from breaking out."
"She was only the stablekeeper's daughter, but all the manure."
--
Found--the gene that causes belief in genetic determinism

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From an old MacLean & MacLean album:
"She was only a fisherman's daughter, but you should have seen her reel when she saw my rod."
--
Kiva - Loans that change lives.
http://www.kiva.org/lender/david87375440
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jo4hn wrote:

[snip]
A compass and straight-edge were confiscated from a geometry teacher at the airport. They are weapons of math instruction.
What happened when Matilda backed into the lawn mower? Disaster.
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OK last batch:
--Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine. -- A backward poet writes inverse. -- A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking. -- Dijon vu - the same mustard as before. -- Practice safe eating - always use condiments. -- Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death. -- A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy. -- A hangover is the wrath of grapes. -- Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play. -- Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? -- Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion. -- Reading while sunbathing makes you well red. -- When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I. -- A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired. -- What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.) -- Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. -- In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes. -- She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off. -- A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. -- If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed. -- With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress. -- When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds. -- The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered. -- You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it. -- Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under. -- He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key. -- Every calendar's days are numbered. -- A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine. -- A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat. -- He had a photographic memory that was never developed. -- A plateau is a high form of flattery. -- A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large. -- Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end. -- Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall. -- Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis. -- Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses. -- Acupuncture is a jab well done
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On 6/30/2009 3:08 PM jo4hn spake thus:

Sez you.
Some of these are actually malapropisms, like

Major points to anyone who can identify the comedian who used to say things like "What? I can't extinguish your voice over the telephone!"
I represent that remark.
--
Found--the gene that causes belief in genetic determinism

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Groucho?
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David Nebenzahl wrote:

Bill Clinton?
--
Froz...

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David Nebenzahl wrote:

Norm Crosby?
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Leo Gorcey? (aka Slip Mahoney/Mugs Mahoney/Terence Aloysius Mahoney)
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On 7/1/2009 5:49 PM Buddy Matlosz spake thus:

Yes! Bingo! Slip Mahoney! That's the guy. Friend from Joisey told me about him, years ago.
So what can you tell me about him? Radio? TV? Ever see him?
--
Found--the gene that causes belief in genetic determinism

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On Wed, 01 Jul 2009 18:28:41 -0700, David Nebenzahl

One half of the "Bowery Boys" series. Huntz Hall, as I recall, was the other.
I would have said Norm Crosby, too. Misrenounced words were definitely his schtick.
--
LRod

Looking back through the Bush years for his Positive Accomplishments is, for me,
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"Buddy Matlosz" wrote:

Saturday afternoon at the movies:
"Leo Gorcey and the Bowery Boys"
In addition to Leo, think Huntz Hall was in the cast.
Lew
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I lied...
Or, as the egg in a monastery said, "Out of the frying pan, into the friar."
1. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
2. Two boll weevils grew up in Mississippi. One went to Hollywood and_became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
4. A three legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
7. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that: Hugh, and only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
9. We all know who Gandhi was, right? He was a spiritual man who fasted regularly. Some may not realize that fasting, when practiced regularly and for extended periods, leads not only to weight loss, but can also cause bad breath. No matter, his interests were higher. This great leader hardly ever wore shoes. One might say he was ... a super-calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.
10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, in the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
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jo4hn wrote:

<SNIP>
These and many more for your groaning pleasure here:
http://www.woodwrecker.com/jokes/groans.shtml
You have been warned.
~Mark.
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