O.T Message from The Queen

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To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II. In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy). Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect: (You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.) 1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. 2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as "colour", "favour", "labour"and "neighbour." Likewise, you will learn to spell "doughnut" without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise'. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up "vocabulary"). 3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter "u" and the elimination of -ize. 4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. 5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not ready to shoot grouse. 6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public. 7. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour. 8. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it. 9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar. 10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. Australian beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion. 11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in "Four Weddings and a Funeral" was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater. 12. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try rugby - the Aussies, South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us. 13. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries. 14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad. 15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776). 16. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season. God Save the Queen!
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Couldn't be much worse! lol re: new rules.
1. our pronunciation, or your spelling, to-may-to, to-mah-to. 2. Fine, given what IM has done to spelling, good luck with this. 3. Like, agreed, you know? 4. Do we still get the day off? 5. The fact that you wrote 'lawyers' instead of 'barristers' renders this point moot. 7. ok. 9. so it's semantics? re vinegar: has it's uses, but putting it on crisps ain't one of them. 10. You're gonna improve our beer? Well gosh, if you feel you must.... 11. You're bringing up Andie? What about Costner's 50 seconds worth of an English accent in Robin Hood? 12. We got a problem here. 13. If you have a problem with it being called the World Series, field a team. 14. see 15 15. Sure, it'll only cost you the answer to 14. 16. We've already started with the TEA parties, haven't you noticed?

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ROFL . That's a keeper Joe : )
diggerop
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Glad you took it as intended. Humour can be a funny thing.
jc
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No disrespect to your monarch, But We Americans would rather die than be ruled by a monarchy.(except republicans who would rather anoint the Incompetent Sarah Palin over you very nice doddering old lady Elizabeth)Remember we fought a war about this in the year 1776?(we won) .
Len
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Heh. Disrespect for the monarchy is our national passtime.

I'd heard you lot got a bit tetchy back then. We've got a better solution. We took the game they invented (cricket) and we thrash them at it on a regular basis. (Once in a while we let them win one, just enough to keep them trying.) As you found out, giving the Poms a flogging can be very satisfying. The difference is, we get to do it on a regular basis. : )
diggerop
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Unfortunatley since 1776 we have lost our balls and cave in to every "don't hurt their feelings" group.
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On Mon, 16 Nov 2009 15:39:56 -0500, Len wrote:

Read some US history and find out how many of our founding fathers were monarchists - you might be surprised. It took Jefferson to put that notion to rest.
Yes, I know Washington refused the kingship. But he supported John Adams who was a royal wannabe. And what does it say that the founding fathers offered it to him?
--
Intelligence is an experiment that failed - G. B. Shaw

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Len wrote:

I predict that in 2012, America will have had enough of Democrats and elect another Bush (just like they did after Clinton). Probably JEB Bush. After eight years of Jeb, there will be that good-looking Hispanic Bush. By then the dynasty will be firmly established and it's only a small step to a monarchy.
And the colonists in 1776 didn't rebel against the crown so much as against the mad King George III. Had he been more temperate or his counselors been less bellicose, we might STILL be a colony!
As for Palin, well, it's entirely possible that by 2012 that the populace will have gotten used to electing someone based entirely on style, grace, poise, wit, charm, and good looks. If so, Palin beats Obama easily.
Unless Obama starts wearing lipstick to solidify his base...
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On Mon, 16 Nov 2009 22:00:55 -0600, HeyBub wrote:

You've GOT to be kidding :-).
--
Intelligence is an experiment that failed - G. B. Shaw

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wrote:

Sorry, you seem to have a very narrow world view. Japan as well as countries in South America also play baseball. Or did you fail to notice because none of them are former colonies?
The metric system was adopted quite a number of years ago (please check your history of American legislation) but lost out in the marketplace to traditional "English" measurements.
Roundabouts work in some places, but those with more than two lanes should be banned, even in the UK. I drove 1100 miles in two weeks in the UK a few years ago and found that road signs were horrible (covered by trees, listing only the next little hamlet - never some larger city 50 miles away) and the M roads were a poor second to the US Interstate highway system - a comment I also received from some UK locals who had driven in the US. Their drive from Las Vegas, Nevada, to San Francisco, California was 572 miles - note that this is a one day drive (8 hours, 45 minutes). I don't know of any route in the UK where you can maintain highway speed for hours; the M roads suffer from "no-see-ums", where the traffic just stops for some period of time and there is no evidence of an accident anywhere in the next 50 miles. My vote for the "no-see-ums" is a couple of truck (sorry, lorry) drivers getting out to settle some disagreement along the side of the road...
A lot of us are still armed and ready to take to the woods to decimate the Red Coats from concealed locations. I can buy ammunition (without any ID - except my gray hair) at the WalMart that's just a little over a mile away. With less than an hour's warning, I can have a weapon at every vantage point and a couple hundred rounds for each weapon. You lost the war two hundred years ago. Are you sure you want to fight again?
John
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snipped-for-privacy@jecarter.us said:

It's a joke, mate.
Greg G.
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But the politicians on both sides of the pond are usually otherwise-unemployed lawyers - which requires eternal vigilance ;-)
John
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snipped-for-privacy@jecarter.us said:

Si Seor...
Greg G.
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On Mon, 16 Nov 2009 18:18:13 -0500, the infamous snipped-for-privacy@jecarter.us scrawled the following:

No, just proper maintenance with seasonal tags. I think 365 days a year should suffice.
-- When we are planning for posterity, we ought to remember that virtue is not hereditary. -- Thomas Paine
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Correct about Japan and that is not really news but last I heard, South, Central and North America are all America. I happen to live in the United States of America.
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Not this stale canard again...
I am not a North American, I am Canadian. The US of A is the only country that uses the name "America".
Say it all you want, but repetition won't make it so.
--
"A proof is a proof. What kind of a proof? It's a proof. A proof is a proof.
And when you have a good proof, it's because it's proven." - Former Canadian
  Click to see the full signature.
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wrote:

What European country has the name Europe in it?
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Leon wrote:

European Union?
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On Nov 16, 5:02 pm, Dave Balderstone

But you live on the continent of...? This place-name stuff is just a convenience of speech. It's time to get over nationalism. See the current thread entitled "Simply amazing", and forget about the USA. It's a worldwide problem. Tom
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