O/T: Last trip to Kroger

[Gramp's shop]

Trying to keep pack with Lew:

A RETIREE'S LAST TRIP TO KROGER . Yesterday I was at my local Kroger buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Jake, the Wonder Dog and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had an elephant?

So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stopped to Pee on a Fire Hydrant and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was Laughing so hard.

Kroger won't let me shop there anymore. Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the World to think of crazy things to say. Forward this (especially) to all your retired friends... it will be their laugh for the day!

[Lew Hodgett]

--------------------------------------------------------------------- Been around, but still good.

When I heard it, guy was in Walmart.

Lew

[Unquestionably Confused]

Yeah, an oldie but a goodie. Variation on it that was once heard had to do with a widow talking about her late husband who tried the same diet and died.

OMG! said the woman hearing the story for the first time, "I didn't realize that dog food was poisonous!"

"It isn't", said the widow.

"Well, what killed him?

"He was laying on the couch licking his b***s and fell off and broke his damn neck on the coffee table!"

[Dave in Texas]

Yeah, an oldie but a goodie. Variation on it that was once heard had to do with a widow talking about her late husband who tried the same diet and died.

OMG! said the woman hearing the story for the first time, "I didn't realize that dog food was poisonous!"

"It isn't", said the widow.

"Well, what killed him?

"He was laying on the couch licking his b***s and fell off and broke his damn neck on the coffee table!"

Ditto. But he was laying in the street licking his nuts when the car ran over him.

~ :o ))) Dave in Texas

[HeyBub]

Good story! You might enjoy mine.

Several years ago, at the start of the 1st Gulf War, I found myself in the "Ten Items or Less" line at my friendly Randall's Super Market. While tabulating my stuff, a bell goes off.

"Congratulations! Says the clerkette handling my sale. You've just won a free loaf of Randall's French Bread!"

Me: "I don't like the French. May I have a loaf of San Francisco Sourdough instead?"

Clerkette: "Er, no. Just the French bread."

Me: A Greek Pita loaf, perhaps? Mexican cornbread?"

Clerkette: "I'm sorry, but all I've got is French."

Not wanting this to degenerate into a poor imitation of the Monty Python Cheese Shop skit, I turned to the line behind and called out: "Anybody want a free loaf of perfidious French Bread." One guy, three people back, tentatively raised his hand.

"Give it to him," I told the clerkette.

She put the loaf away. Sighed, and tried to get back on script: "Will that be paper or plastic?" she said.

"I don't care," I replied. I'm bisacksual."

The clerkette (and most who were in line) lost it.

[RonB]

for my loyal pet, Jake, the Wonder Dog

no, I didn't have a dog,

every time you feel hungry.

led with my story.)

d poisoned me.

Smart-assed remarks will get you in trouble from time to time.

We were in Sidney, Nebraska on the way home from Glacier NP a couple of yea= rs ago. Nebraska has a chain of german-style fast food restaurants (Runza,= I believe) that serves a pretty good Bierock. The young lady at the coun= ter was having network difficulty with her register and was apologetic as s= he tried to ring us up. She finally got near the end and said she included= our senior citizen discount of 15%. Keeping a straight face I told her I = was only 45 years old but had lived a hard life. He got a shocked look on = her face and then we all had a good laugh.

When we got to our table my wife looked at our cash register receipt. "Wel= l smart-ass, she got the last laugh. She removed our discount."

RonB