"Robatoy" wrote in message
Am I imagining it or is there more participation from UK and Oz these
I like it, because they talk funny. (And mention products we can't get
here..and prices in "P's")
And the expression "The Mutt's Nuts" is now in my vocab.
Just who are these people from uk.d-i-y, uk.rec.cars.maintenance ?
Most people in England don't speak English but some county dialect of their
upbringing that little resembles BBC English or Queen's English.
Midwest Americans and Central Canadians speak a far more listenable and
truer dialect of English than the Brits.
No, they speak a dialect of English that split off from the London
dialect a few Centuries ago. All three have since been modified by
pronouncing things the way they are spelt, altering the spelling due to
laziness and by misunderstanding what's been said by someone from
outside the area. If you say it's tea-time, I need to know where you're
from to know whether to get a knife and fork out and head for the dining
room, or a cup and saucer and head for the drawing room.
What I speak is probably closer to standard English than most, because I
travel round a lot, and pick up bits and pieces from all over, which get
incorporated into my speech. I get accused of sounding like a Southerner
up North, a Northerner down South, and those in the middle don't quite
know where I'm from.
In France, I've also been accused of coming from Paris while speaking
French, but that's a completely different marmite de poissons.
A friend of my uncle's talked to our (holiday home) Breton neighbours
and they commented that he spoke French with no accent (not sure how
that's possible) ... while talking English, he has a *very* strong Scots
The neighbours however, by their own admission, speak "proper" French,
the equivalent of "The Queen's" English. I must admit that they do speak
very clearly. They are definitely local, although he did spend part of
the war in the UK (Haydock Park), part as a Marine on Russian Convoys
and part in Burma. After that he returned to France as a Gendarme - a
very interesting guy. They do consider themselves Bretons before being
To the citizens of the United States of America, in the light of your
failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern
yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence,
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over
all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does
not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable David Cameron, MP
for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world
outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need
for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A
questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you
noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the
following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up revocation in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look
up aluminium. Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how
wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in
words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing
more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut'
without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the
letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix ize will be replaced
by the suffix ise. You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced
'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg'
if you can't cope with correct pronunciation.
Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up
vocabulary. Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler
noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form
of communication. Look up interspersed. There will be no more 'bleeps' in
the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language
then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your
vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.
2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on
your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of
the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It
really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to
cockney,upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also
have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as
Taggart will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking
about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in
England. The name of the county is Devon. If you persist in calling it
Devonshire, all American States will become shires e.g. Texasshire,
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the
good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English
characters. British sit-coms such as Men Behaving Badly or Red Dwarf will
not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't
cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen but
only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused
and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American football. There is only one kind of
football. What you refer to as American football is not a very good game.
The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders
may have noticed that no one else plays American football. You will no
longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.
Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult
game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby
(which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for
a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like
nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by
2015. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an
event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of
America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your
borders,your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be
allowed to play a girls' game called rounders, which is baseball without
fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.
7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be
allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable
peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle
potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry
a vegetable peeler in public.
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new
national holiday, but only in England. It will be called Indecisive Day.
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own
good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All
road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving
on the left with immediate effect. At the same time,you will go metric with
immediate effect and conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will
help you understand the British sense of humour.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries
are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85%
of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not
aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato
chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut and fried in
animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be
served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with
11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all
tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be
doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.
12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer
at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be
referred to as beer,and European brews of known and accepted provenance will
be referred to as Lager. The substances formerly known as American Beer will
henceforth be referred to as Near-Frozen Knat's Urine,with the exception of
the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred
to as Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine. This will allow true Budweiser (as
manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen,Czech Republic) to be sold
without risk of confusion.
13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or Gasoline, as you
will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2015) prices with the
former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and
the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $11/US
gallon- get used to it).
14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or
therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that
you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by
adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone
or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to
ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).
Thank you for your co-operation and have a great day.
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