I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with 'Guess' on it. So I said 'Implants?' She hit me.
Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
How come we choose from just two people to run forpresident and over fifty for Miss America ?
When I was young we used to go 'skinny dipping,' now I just 'chunky dunk.'
I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? AMEN, AMEN!
Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.
Wouldn't you know it..... Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.
Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison? A completely brilliant question!!!!!!!
Bumper sticker of the year: 'If you can read this, thank a teacher - and, since it's in English, thank a soldier'
Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed outside? Another completely brilliant question!!!!
And remember: Life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
I've just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days.' I told him 'I wish I had your will power.'
I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently "Blacks" and "Mexicans" were not the correct answers.
A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunch time. She said 'sorry about the wait.' I said 'don't worry fatty, you're bound to lose it eventually. '
I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop as I went into the bank. When I came out, he looked at me and said 'Any Change?' I said 'Nope, you're still black'
Snow in the forecast! The TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself, fat chance with a face like that.
An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man asks What is wrong?? The boy says Me ma is dead. Oh bejaysus. The man says Do you want me to call Father O'Riley for you? The boy replies No tanks mister, sex is the last ting on my mind at the moment.
Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best!
Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such an immense shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.
I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself I'm going to take that.
Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland . He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts to him Where am I? The Irish farmer looks back up and shouts back. 'You're in that basket.'
I had a Trivia competition shot to pieces until the last question which I got wrong. The question was Where do women have the curliest hair??
The answer I should have given was Fiji .
and a little virtual travel.......
WHERE I HAVE & HAVE NOT BEEN
I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.
I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.
I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.
I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not in to much on physical activity anymore.
I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.
I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.
Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.
One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!
"Twayne" wrote in news:jg7555$816$ snipped-for-privacy@speranza.aioe.org:
The trouble with switching newsreaders is that the new one typically won't import the bozo bin filters from the old one... Time to update the bozo bin. Again.
I'll often return in-kind comments to erudites and fools who have no brain power and don't know how to post to relevant places. You abuse the privelege of using the tag.
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