I found this when searching for another old post:
From email@example.com Tue Apr 18 05:35:17 2000
Subject: <classic> Action Norm
Date: Tue, 18 Apr 2000 12:35:17 GMT
Since Floyd deciede to get nostalgic on us, I thought it was high time
to repost this:
Tom Bruce writes:
Seen the ads for _This Old House Magazine_? Wondering where it will
all end? Well, the fun's not over, pals and gals, 'cuz now we have
NORM ABRAM ACTION FIGURES!
No reason for the tools to stop hummin' and the fun to stop comin'
when they roll those closing credits! Now you and all your little
"apprentices" can have hours of fun with your very own ActionNorm(TM)!
Basic ActionNorm(TM) Figure comes with flannel shirt, blue jeans,
OSHA-approved MiniWorkBoots (TM), working tape measure, glasses, goofy
grin, and detachable arms, hands, and fingers.
Think of the fun you and your kids can have patching up ol' Norm when
he does a "boo-boo" on the table saw -- you can learn safe shop
practice and microsurgery all at the same time!
ActionNorm(TM) PowahPak Tools include battery-powered Belt Sandah(TM),
BisKitJoinah(TM) and AihStaplah(TM) among many others. These cost as
much as the full-sized tools Norm uses on TV, and they wear out just
as fast too!
ActionNorm(TM) WorkPak includes ToolBelt, plans for a miniature
blanket chest, Lumbroid(TM) Action Building Material, folding edible
Extend-O-Rule, made-to-scale 1" wire brads, and Tourn-O-Kit RepairPak
for when Norm does a "boo-boo" on the table saw.
ActionNorm(TM) Endorse-o-Pak includes signed agreements with most
major tool manufacturers, a toolbox full of real cash, and a Talking
Mouthpiece(TM) lawyer figurine which utters 12 baffling but
BUT WAIT....THERE'S MORE!
Ever wonder whose Delta Norm's checkin' out when he's not in the shop?
Well, she's here, she's from Revere, and her name's DoveTail
DoveTail Donna comes with Save The Rainforests T-Shirt, designer
jeans, OSHA-approved patent leather WorkBooties(TM), and fully
equipped DoveTail Donna(TM) ToolBelt (choice of earth tones or
teal/purple/black). Optional accessories include chuck-key-lanyard
hair band, emery boards (80, 150, 220, and 340 grit), and full line of
Bartley's Gel System Cosmetics. Optional outfits include
NurseDonna(TM) outfit with Tourn-o-Kit and Press-o-Bandages -- that's
right, DoveTail Donna's a real RN, so that when ActionNorm does a
"boo-boo" on the table saw, she's right there to help! Remember, kids,
ActionNorm(TM) gets it done twice as fast when Donna's holding the
other end of his workpiece!
AND IF YOU ACT NOW, WE'LL THROW IN A FREE BOOK!
Ever wonder why Norm's projects go together first time, every time?
It's because he knows what every professional craftsman knows: those
"swear words" are eally _secret mantras_
which can improve your
projects and and make them look just like they were done by the pros!
Now, in _Talk Like a Tradesman with Norm Abram_
YOU can learn to cuss
just like real craftsmen do! Norm lets you in on the "trade secrets"
that were "too much" for _This Old House_
and _New Yankee Workshop_:
-- "Sonofabitchin' bahstahd!" -- the way to drive big nails straight
-- Get those joints tight, tight, tight with "mizzable cahksuckah"!
-- "the hahse ya rode in on" -- handling problem personalities at the
Home Center and on the jobsite!
We'll throw this valuable book in FREE with your purchase of
ActionNorm and DoveTail Donna -- or you can take it as your FREE GIFT
the Norm Abram Woodworkah's Book Club! Other titles include:
--"Make Things Which Have Geese On Them with DoveTail Donna"
--"Martha Stewart's Guide to Heavy Earthmoving Equipment"
--"Clip Your Own Poodle and Save A Bundle with Bob Vila".
Operators standing by....
A mind, like a home, is furnished by its owner, so if
one's life is cold and bare he can blame none but himself.
-- Louis L'Amour