Many years ago when I was 18 I was put in charge of traffic flow at a major roadworks site. I had no previous experience but I was given a half-wit assistant, a truck full of cones, some barriers, a lot of big notices, a fag packet with a diagram of the works sketched out, and two flags that said 'STOP'.
It was necessary at certain times to close the busy A18 completely, and send all the traffic on a diversion. I soon learnt several things about motorists.
- Some drivers were genuinely illiterate.
- Some were afraid to take the diversion in case they got lost.
- Some felt that me and Baldrick were personally to blame for the inconvenience, and they wound their windows down to tell us so, with vehemence and swearing. One gentleman got out and wanted to fight us. We ran away.
- Some lorry drivers found it amusing to run along a row of cones and squash therm. We filled every tenth cone with concrete. It was quite amusing.
- Our Peak Prat Graph showed that idiotic motorists mostly travelled between 10 and 11am and between 2 and 3pm.
- Our Aggressive Cunt Graph peaked at 8.30 to 9am and at 5 to 6pm.
All this came back to me this afternoon as I mowed the grass verge outside my house. I had two Men at Work signs and a row of cones, all correctly positioned. I wore a hi vis jacket. I chose a time when the road was quiet.
Driver type 1 Sees the hazard well in advance, slows down, passes when it's safe, keeps as far away from the human (me) as is possible.
Driver type 2 Black BMW or similar. Sees the signs and cones as an intrusion into their roadspace. Passes as fast and as close as possible. Glowers. When forced by opposing traffic to stop will blow horn at me and mouth oaths.
Driver type 3 Typically a large white van. Sees an opportunity for some fun so drives straight at me and swerves at the last moment. Beeps horn three times.
Driver type 4 Small sporty number. Talking on the phone she only realises at the last moment that she has nowhere to go, so brakes violently. Often stops and can't steer round the first sign so so she tries to reverse but stalls. If her window is down I'll hear, "Ooh I'll have to go Janice, I'm in a bit of a pickle!" Often has a child in a baby seat.
Driver type 4a Same as type 4 but the gossip is so good she doesn't actually notice the signs, the cones, or me. Sails past in oblivion, often causing opposing traffic to perform an emergency stop.
Driver type 5 Honda Jazz. Elderly female. Comes slowly along the road, stops at the first sign and peers at it. I have to wave her past or she'd be there all day.
Driver type 6 Ford Fiesta. Elderly male, flat cap. Stops when level with me, winds window down, and says, "You'll have to do summat about that moss lad!"
Bill