OT: Help Speech jokes

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Hi,
I need to make a wedding speech. Any DIY jokes that I can plagiarise? (I rather fancy lists or definitions but anything will do as I am starting to get desperate.)
Colin
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Colin wrote:

I alweays rememevbr the line
"If he keeps on falling on his feet like this, we are concerned about long term brain damage"
Of course there is the story from "Sir Henry, at Rawlinson end" where "The staff were used to the screams of Hubert doing his own fillings with a black and decker. Poor man, faced with imminent marriage and realsing he was unable to face his wife without a huge annd immediate extraction, he tied a piece of wire round the offending molar, attached it to a door handle, and cast himself down the lift shaft. Few men would have had the presence of mind to do that..."

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I didn't think you needed to DIY when you got married ! :-0
In what capacity are you making the speech?
Peter.
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Well, if he can work out how to get the subjectr round to expanding foam....
--
Bob Eager
rde at tavi.co.uk
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wrote:

starting
You could talk about the time the grooms mother caught him doing it himself, but that may also be construed as calling him something. OK, bad idea.
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Best man... gulp..
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One of the funniest best man speeches I heard was one where he didn't embarrass anyone, let alone the groom. Whilst he told funny stories about the groom, and put across what a great guy he was, the only person he belittled was himself. You need to remember who the audience is and who's day it is - there are too many best men who think it is their job to make people squirm under the table in embarrassment.
If it's a church wedding (and the vicar's there) you might like these:
You could finish up by wishing them, for a long and happy marriage, "the wisdom of Solomon, the patience of Job, and the children of Israel."
Someone sent a card and as a nice jesture just wrote the reference to a verse in the Bible which refers to love. They wrote 1 John 4:18. The best man thought it would be a good idea to read out the verse, so borrowed a Bible off the vicar. Unfortunately he didn't know the Bible very well and whilst he should have read: 1 John 4:18 which goes: "There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear:" he read instead John 4:18 which goes: "For thou hast had five husbands; and he whom thou now hast is not thy husband:"
All the best (man!)
Peter.
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Not exactly DIY, but household appliance:
"Doesn't the bride look nice in white? It's good the dishwasher will match the fridge!"
Pete
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At which point it might be intreresting to see which of them is the colder.
IanC
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Enigineering rather than DIY - but it was free!
A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a man below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am!"
The man below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approx. 30 feet above the ground. You are between 49 and 51 degrees north latitude and between 120 and 125 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the man on the ground, "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."
The man below responded, "You must be in Management."
"I am" replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the man on the ground, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are exactly in the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."
No doubt this will strike a chord....... Dave R
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http://www.weddingspot.com/wedjokes.htm
http://beginners-guide-to-ebay.com/wedding-jokes.html
best man ??? http://www.canuckcorner.com /
--
Outgoing mail is certified Virus Free.
Checked by AVG anti-virus system (http://www.grisoft.com ).
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Say, he is very nice fellow ....and it's a pity he has married into a family of snides. You will be a big hit on the night.
--
--

Checked by AVG anti-virus system (http://www.grisoft.com ).
Version: 6.0.520 / Virus Database: 318 - Release Date: 18/09/2003
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Well the BSE catalogue is worth quoting from - full of bent male couplings, and the like.
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starting
couplings,
Fashion this story into your speech:
It was opening night at the Orpheum and the Amazing Paul McKenna was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.
As Paul took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience." The excitement was almost electric as Paul withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. Its been in my family for six generations."
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch.... " The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.
Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
"Shit" said the hypnotist.
It took three weeks to clean up the place
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Everyone's so happy - even the cake's crying
--
Richard Faulkner

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writes

starting
"id you all enjoy the meal? I was a bit worried when I came in earlier today and saw them setting out the tables, knife, fork and ........ stomach pump"
BAH
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starting
if
Cautionary message??? How about this one:
Scan type: Realtime Protection Scan Event: Virus Found! Virus name: WM.Concept.A File: C:\Documents and Settings\David Hearn\Local Settings\Temporary Internet Files\Content.IE5\KLA7OX2N\Johnwedd.969 Location: C:\Documents and Settings\David Hearn\Local Settings\Temporary Internet Files\Content.IE5\KLA7OX2N Computer: DAVID User: David Hearn Action taken: Clean succeeded : Access allowed Date found: Wed Sep 24 10:54:30 2003
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It has indeed got a macro Virus!
See here for more info! http://vil.nai.com/vil/content/v_98344.htm
Just a little free advise (Not spam, as I have no affiliation with GRI Soft!) you can get free Antivirus software from www.grisift.com
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That's as maybe, but I suspect you'll get a more satisfactory one from www.grisoft.com ! ;O)
Take Care, Gnube {too thick for linux}
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....Errm...yea, that too
Plonk!
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