DIY if ever there was any


Fisher men rarely smile but this one had Spouse in tears.
Sorry if you already know it.
http://www.shartwell.freeserve.co.uk/humor-site/real-haynes.htm
Mary
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On Sun, 23 Nov 2003 11:02:10 -0000, "Mary Fisher"

That's class - had me in tears too!
-- cheers,
witchy/binarydinosaurs
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Mary Fisher wrote:

So true. Having had to use haynes manual on a 10 year old car last month, I swear I'm not going to touch car mechanicals again
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I
Said with feeling ... Spouse, through his tears, kept trying to say that he'd been there too, especially the tiny spring in the eye ...
I liked the make your own tool hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha ....
Mary

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month,
I did make my own tool one day, having attempted to follow the Haynes manual advice "borrow a (Mini) suspension compressor from your local BMC dealer". Off I went to ask (well I was young and naieve).
"F*ck off" said the dealer.
"Ah, I get the picture", I thought, somewhat crestfallen. Some hours later I had manufactured something that just about did the job.
The other one I "liked" was the Paddy Hopkirk story in the Haynes Mini manual (of the time) foreword. "We had a wheel bearing collapse on a rally, leaving the inner race stuck on the stub axle. We improvised and whacked it simultaneously on either side with hammers until it shattered". Ha bloody ha. I had the same problem so I thought "I'll try that". All I got was a razor sharp shard of metal embedded in my cheek. Several whacks later (now wearing a fencing mask), I gave up and adopted the techniques described in the original post:
Warm: Heat till read hot Pry off: insert great big screwdriver with hammer repeatedly.
--
Bob Mannix
(anti-spam is as easy as 1-2-3 - not)
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manual
What is it with some dealers? I remember trying to get a spare brake disc screw from a local dealer who proceeded to tell me that it'd take 3 days to order in "and they're only available in packs of 10". Fat lot of good that was. I'm sure they would have had one in the workshop if they'd been changing my brake discs rather than me doing it myself.
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dealer".
to
That's why you should avoid dealers like the plague. Tight gits.
I have two local garages that have been great with me. I have bought the odd bulb or length of brake pipe from them and one lent me their book full of timing belt specs (they are like rocking horse shit to get hold of) and the other even lent me a compression guage so I could test the engine after the cambelt fit.
Great guys and now I don't even ask them the price. Maybe they are just hustling for later ;-)
Rob
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disc
that
after
The dealer did add (after f*ck off) that he wasn't lending out expensive tools to people as he wouldn't get them back (I'm not sure he used those exact words). He eventually explained how I could make the tool and (somewhat grudgingly) found a nut that matched the thread on the end of it for me to take away.
Another main dealer locally was a real hoot. I went in for a Mini exhaust valve (naturally the car was in bits all over the road, I was covered in oil etc.). "We used *it* yesterday" they said, we can get you one for tomorrow. Grrr, gnash. I went to the local motorist centre, who had a cardboard box full. They also charged me 5p for a washer (fair enough), then proceeded to fill out a three part receipt and add 1/2p VAT (it was some years ago). I couldn't help feeling their finances would have been better if they had just asked me to put 5p in the charity box.
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On Sun, 23 Nov 2003 20:43:19 -0000, "Mary Fisher"

It was the 'compress' by throwing at the wall then poking round dark corners in the garage going 'bugger' that almost resulted in beer spillage :) -- cheers,
witchy/binarydinosaurs
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heh...Very good. Having no knowledge of how cars work and having a girlfriend with equal knowledge and a broken Skoda with no cash we embarked on changing the Clutch and Spiggot baring following the step by step guide in the Haynes manual....went very well I must say ! I especially liked the bit after we'd removed the engine & clutch etc which said "reassemble in reverse".
They did however miss one item out that caught us by surprise.....when we removed the engine, the back of the car rose up about 4 feet on the suspension much to our amusement and gasps of "how the F*ck are we gonna get that back down again to get the engine back in"
Ant.
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This had all my office chums asking what I was reading...
Tiny spring " springs " to mind..Excuse the pun... Isn't it amazing at the sub conscious reaction the human body has to things flying towards it...Prying away with a screwdriver, PING...Before I can physically react,my clever little brain recognises the noise, has shut my eyes, screwed up my face and thrown a hand up in defence.
Great methinks until I realise the spring has bounced off me and I cant see where it's gone ( as my eyes are closed )...Doubly great in that my "reactive" karate chop was undertaken with a hand that was holding onto a nice plastic box....that used to be full of little gears and nice springs.. :(..Better let the wife know the clock aint gonna work again...
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I'm going to add all these to my printout!
Mary
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