I have worked with Bob for more years than I care to remember, and have
always b een there to cover up for his mistakes. Up until now my full
role hasn't been ac knowledged, but I have recently discovered some
scripts which were never filmed and show me in a much better light. Here
is a part of one of them:
BOB'S CONSERVATORY NIGHTMARE.
TITLE SEQUENCE, MUSIC; "Bob the Builder (can we bodge it?) Bob the
Builder ('cou rse we can!)" etc.
SCENE 1: Morning at Bob's yard, it is bright and sunny and the machines
are all waking up. Bob bounces out of the house door carrying a bag.
BOB: Morning gang!
MACHINES: Morning Bob!
BOB: What a fine morning it is today. The sun is shining, the birds are
(Bird coughs and falls off Roley's roof, thump onto the yard, no-one
BOB: ...and we've got a nice little earner lined up today!
DIZZY: Ooh! Ooh! What is it Bob? Can I come?
BOB: (laughs) Yes Dizzy, I'm going to need you and Scoop and Lofty
today. We're going to build a conservatory for Mrs. Potts.
ROLEY: Awww Bob! What are Muck and I going to do?
BOB: Well Muck, I need you to fetch the parts for Mrs. Potts'
conservatory from JJ at the builder's merchants and bring them to us,
then you and Roley can deliver this pile of leaflets for me...
...to every house in the town.
MUCK: Yeah! Great!
DIZZY: Errr... Bob?
BOB: Yes, Dizzy?
DIZZY: What are the leaflets for?
BOB: (laughs) There's no need for you to worry your pretty little head
about that at the moment. Right gang, can we fix it?
MACHINES (except LOFTY): 'Course we can!
LOFTY: Err... no... not usually.
(MUSIC, scene change)
SCENE 2: BOB, DIZZY, SCOOP and LOFTY turn up at Mrs. Potts' house. Bob
walks up the immaculately manicured garden path and knocks on the door.
There's no answer.
BOB: That's strange, I'm sure we arranged with Mrs. Potts to come today.
SCOOP: Are we going to have to go home Bob?
BOB: No, it's ok, I know what we need to do - we're to put the
conservatory on the back of the house.
SCOOP: But Bob, the back garden gate is locked and we can't get in!
BOB: No problem Scoop, remember, this is the fence we put up three weeks
ago. There's a panel in the middle which is loose because we ran out of
screws. Lofty can lift it out, and then there'll be room for everyone to
LOFTY: Err... if you say so, Bob.
DIZZY: Yeah! Go Lofty, go!
(LOFTY nervously moves over to a shoddy-looking fence panel and
incompentently lowers his grabber...)
LOFTY: Ooh! Errr... I dunno if I can do this!
SCOOP: Of course you can...
(LOFTY's wildly-swinging grabber knocks SCOOP's orange light sideways)
SCOOP: ...just BE CAREFUL with that tool of yours, eh?
LOFTY: Errr... yeah, sorry Scoop.
(LOFTY manages to grapple the shoddy fence panel and begins to lift)
LOFTY: Oooh! Ummph! It's a bit stiff, Bob.
BOB: It shouldn't be... unless...
(LOFTY's arm suddenly whips skyward holding the fence panel)
BOB: ...unless the loose panel was this one here...
(BOB taps the next panel along, and the whole row of panels falls over)
BOB: Dizzy, are you SURE you used the right mix for these fence posts?
DIZZY: I used five gravel, five sand, one pink plasticene, one cement,
just as normal...
BOB: Oh well, we'll just have to prop them up again when we leave.
(The gang crowds into Mrs. Potts' back garden, driving straight over her
neat annual borders and close-cropped astroturf lawn.)
MUSIC, Scene change...
SCENE 3: Builder's merchant.
(Muck careers into the yard, narrowly missing MOLLY who is sitting on an
upturned flowerpot, braiding her hair.)
MOLLY: Oi! Muck! Watch where you're goin'! You nearly 'ad me legs off!
MUCK: (breathless) Sorry Molly, but I'm in a bit of a rush, you see Bob
needs the parts for Mrs. Potts' conservatory and I've got to take them
to him, but then I've got a special delivery to make and I want to get
it all finished before tea time and... and...
(JJ comes out of his office)
JJ: Now then Muck, let's have less of this rush, and more of Bob's money.
(Unseen to JJ and unnoticed by MUCK, Molly begins tying ribbons to
MUCK's tow hook.)
MUCK: Money? I've never seen Bob with any money.
JJ: Yeah, that's the problem. Look Muck, I'm awful sorry, but I can't
let you have Mrs. Potts' conservatory unless Bob pays last month's bill
first! He still owes me three grand for all them fence panels and
sleepers, and I've STILL got ten gallon of Creosote here which he
promised he could use.
MUCK: (crestfallen) Oh. (pause... then excitedly) Oh! Oh! I know! Why
don't you call Wendy? I'm sure she'll know what to do.
JJ: Good idea, Muck.
(He walks into his office. MUCK by now has ten feet of ribbon trailling.)
SCENE 4: JJ's office.
(JJ picks up the phone and dials. He waits and waits...)
SCENE 5: BOB's office. The telephone is ringing and PILCHARD is covering
up his ears. There is paper from the fax machine all over the floor, and
a big pile of letters behind the door. Someone is trying to open the
door, but is having difficulty because of the letters.
(WENDY eventually forces her way in and trips over PILCHARD, dropping
the half-dozen carrier bags she was carrying into a heap on the already
WENDY: Oh BOTHER!
(she scrambles over to the telephone and picks it up)
WENDY: (breathless) Hello? Bob's building yard?
(split screen, JJ and WENDY on telephones. Wendy is fending off PILCHARD
who seems a bit hungry)
JJ: Aah. At last. I'm glad you're there Wendy. It's JJ. I've got Muck
here to collect Mrs. Potts' conservatory, but I really can't let him
have it until you pay last month's bill.
WENDY: Oh JJ, I'm so sorry, it must have slipped my mind. I'll pop over
straight away. Will a cheque be ok?
JJ: Hmmm... well, after the last three bounced I'm going to have to wait
for it to clear before I let you have the conservatory, but yes, ok.
SCENE 6: Mrs. Potts' back garden. SCOOP is busily digging out trenches
and dumping the spoil on the flowerbeds. LOFTY is helping BOB remove the
patio doors. DIZZY is dancing about with her headphones on.
BOB's telephone rings. He answers it. LOFTY is left with a patio door
swinging from his grabber.
BOB: Hello? Bob the Builder.
WENDY: Hello Bob. I'm afraid there's a problem with the conservatory.
BOB: Oh dear! What's the problem?
WENDY: JJ is refusing to let us have it until the cheque for the fence
panels and sleepers has cleared, and that's going to be three days at least.
BOB: Oh no! We're nearly ready for the conservatory now... (looks at
watch) ...but it's half past two so I suppose if we just pour the
concrete it'll be time to go home anyway. Ok Wendy, thanks for letting
SCOOP: Is there a problem Bob?
BOB: No, not really. JJ won't let Muck bring us the conservatory so
we're going to knock off early today. We'll just get these foundations
finished. How are you doing?
SCOOP: I've dug six inches just like you said, Bob. The corner's not
quite square, but it'll do.
(Focus on something which looks like it should be 90 degrees but is
actually closer to 75. The trenches are a bit wavy too.)
BOB: Great. (Calling) Dizzy! (DIZZY still dances) (Louder) DIZZY! (Still
SCOOP: Hang on Bob.
SCOOP trundles over to DIZZY and clonks her on her head with his front
scoop. Her headphones fall off.
DIZZY: Wotcha Scoop! Why'd ya do that?
BOB: We're ready for the foundations now, Dizzy. Are you sure you've got
the mix right this time?
DIZZY: Yeah, five gravel, five sand, five flour, one salt, one cement
and half a bottle of pink food dye.
BOB: You're getting more creative Dizzy, I like that! Ok, get pouring!
SCOOP and BOB stand and watch while copious amounts of pink goo tip from
DIZZY's TARDIS-like mixer into the inexpertly dug trenches. LOFTY is
teetering around t he garden with the patio door swinging wildly from
his grabber. The others ignore him.
LOFTY: Errr... Bob?
LOFTY: Errr... B... B... Bob? ... ... BOB!!!???!!!
Bob looks up at last.
BOB: Ooh careful, Lofty, we still need that! We've got to put it back
tonight since we can't put the conservatory up.
LOFTY: Oh, ok Bob...
Suddenly a mouse appears from beneath a tree in the garden.
LOFTY: AARRRGHH!!! A MOUSE!!!!
He backs away suddenly, reversing into a garden shed which collapses.
The patio door in his grabber swings more and more wildly and finally
strikes up a very close relationship with the previously mentioned tree.
LOFTY tugs at it, succeeds in ripping it (and several branches) free,
but it catapults into the air and comes crashing down right in the
middle of the conservatory outline. The glass in the patio door crazes
and falls out.
BOB: Oh well, it's a warm night. Let's go home. Scoop, can you collect
up the glass in your front scoop?
Trampling yet more flower beds on their way out, they leave without any
TO BE CONTINUED...