June 5, 2009
A 59 year old man was scrambled this morning when the satellite dish
became detached from his roof and attacked him. A witness said the
dish began rotating very rapidly. Sparks were then emitted from the
dish and a large cloud of smoke filled the sky as the dish flew off
the roof, setting the home on fire. The dish then attacked the man,
knocking him down, by repeatedly hitting him in the head. Within
seconds the man was scrambled on his front lawn, resembling a
scrambled egg. An elderly neighbor who suffers from alzheimers
disease saw the scrambled man on the lawn, and thought it was his
breakfast. He then ate the man with bacon bits, a dash of pepper and
jelly toast. After breakfast, he entered the burning home and
vanished. No traces of this neighbor have been found in the ruins of
the home. It is believed that he was vaporized and has been
transmitted to another televison network.
The identity of the man is being withheld, pending investigation.
Dish Network was contacted, but they refuse to comment, saying they
will be preparing a statement in the next century.
A church service and wake will be held at St. Coax Catholic Church at
7pm on Monday June 8, 2009. Father Brain Dedd will announce the
funeral arrangements at the conclusion of the movie Jesus Christ
Superstar which will be shown on the cable network at 8pm. Everyone
is invited except satellite dish owners.
Robert Goldman, reporter
The Courier News ©2009