Living in California since 1985 (to those who might say "if it's so
good, why don't you move there?"), I couldn't agree more:
"Bill Maher ended Friday night with a proud boast that California is
creating the kind of moderate liberal nation the country as a whole
really needs to be, and its doing so thanks to the lack of a
Republican legislative cockblock.
Maher boasted, Were not just gluten-free and peanut-free and
soy-free, were tea party-free! Yes, we can live in reality! He tore
into the caboose part of America that isnt embracing the kind of
change California is, saying that conservatives may love the free
market and states rights, but those two things will ultimately bend
the country in Californias image as a socialist fagtopia.
In California, Maher said, NRA stands for nuts, racists, and
assholes, and while other states are working with Jesus to make
abortion more miserable, California is making it easier, not to
mention being more welcoming to illegal immigrants.
Maher concluded, We cant be worrying about the nonsense that keeps
Fox News up at night."
Oh and look, a more detailed version!:
"New Rule: Conservatives who love to brag about American
exceptionalism must come here to California, and see it in person. And
then they should be afraid -- very afraid. Because while the rest of
the country is beset by stories of right-wing takeovers in places like
North Carolina, Texas and Wisconsin, California is going in the
opposite direction and creating the kind of modern, liberal nation the
country as a whole can only dream about. And not only can't the rest
of the country stop us -- we're going to drag you along with us.
It wasn't that long ago that pundits were calling California a failed
state and saying it was ungovernable. But in 2010, when other states
were busy electing whatever Tea Partier claimed to hate government the
most, we elected a guy who actually liked it, Jerry Brown.
Since then, everything Republicans say can't or won't work -- gun
control, immigration reform, high-speed rail -- California is making
work. And everything conservatives claim will unravel the fabric of
our society -- universal healthcare, higher taxes on the rich, gay
marriage, medical marijuana -- has only made California stronger. And
all we had to do to accomplish that was vote out every single
Republican. Without a Republican governor and without a legislature
being cock-blocked by Republicans, a $27 billion deficit was turned
into a surplus, continuing the proud American tradition of Republicans
blowing a huge hole in the budget and then Democrats coming in and
cleaning it up.
How was Governor Moonbeam able to do this? It's amazing, really. We
did something economists call cutting spending AND raising taxes. I
know, it sounds like some crazy science fiction story, but you see,
here in California, we're not just gluten-free and soy-free and
peanut-free, we're Tea Party free! Virginia could do it, too, but
they're too busy forcing ultrasounds on women who want abortions.
Texas could, but they don't because they're too busy putting Jesus in
the science textbooks. Meanwhile their state is so broke they want to
replace paved roads with gravel. I thought we had this road-paving
thing licked in the 1930s, but not in Texas. But hey, in Dallas you
can carry a rifle into a Chuck E. Cheese, cause that's freedom. Which
is great, but it wasn't so great when that unregulated fertilizer
plant in Waco blew up. In California, when things blow up, it's
because we're making a Jason Statham movie.
California isn't perfect, but it is in our nature from being on the
new coast to be up for trying new things -- and maybe that's why the
right wingers are always hoping we fail. On the campaign trail last
year, Mitt Romney warned that if we didn't follow his conservative
path, "America is going to become like Greece, or... Spain, or Italy,
or... California." And that was a big laugh line with Mormons, because
Greece, Spain and Italy have some art and poetry and theatre, but
nothing like Salt Lake City. Yes, Mitt sure hates California, which is
why he moved to San Diego. To the house with the car elevator.
What conservatives fear about California being a petri dish for the
liberal agenda is well-founded. For example, as Obamacare gets
implemented here much more successfully than predicted, the movement
to just go all the way to a single payer system is gathering steam. It
actually passed the legislature twice, but was vetoed by
Schwarzenegger, who argued it didn't go far enough to cover the
children of that natural, beautiful love between a man and a cleaning
In lots of areas, California seems to have decided not to wait around
for the knuckle-draggers and the selfish libertarian states to get on
board. They can mock "European style democracies" all they want, we
are building one here, and people like it -- the same way when
Americans come back from a vacation in Europe they all say the same
thing: "Wow, you can see titties on the beach!" But they also remark
on the clean air, the modern, first world infrastructure, the
functioning social safety net, and bread that doesn't taste like
powdered glue. And they wonder, "Why can't we get that here?" Unless
they're Republicans, in which case they wonder, "How can people live
Well, swallow hard, guys, because California is eventually going to
make all Americans live like that. Why? Because we're huge. The 12th
largest economy in the world, the fifth largest agricultural exporter
in the world, and of course number one in laser vaginal rejuvenation.
There's 40 million of us -- so, for example, when California set a
high mileage standard for any car sold in this state, Detroit had to
make more fuel-efficient cars; we're just too big a slice of the
market, and it would be too expensive to make one car for us, and
another for shit-kickers who want something that runs on coal.
It's so ironic -- the two things conservatives love the most, the free
market and states rights -- are the two things that are going to bend
this country into California's image as a socialist fagtopia. Maybe
our constipated Congress can't pass gun control laws, but we just did.
Lots of 'em. Because we don't give a shit about the NRA. Out here that
stands for "Nuts, Racists, and Assholes." So while the rest of America
is debating whether it's a good idea to allow guns in bars or a great
idea to allow guns in bars, California is about to ban lead bullets.
Which is a no-brainer, because bullets don't need lead, and lead kills
birds and gets into the food supply of people who hunt their own food.
Which explains why Ted Nugent is such a raving lunatic.
While other state governments are working with Jesus to make abortion
more miserable -- because otherwise women would use it for weight loss
-- California is making it easier. We actually have a guy dancing on
the street corner dressed as the Statue of Liberty spinning a big
arrow that says, "Abortions!" And a new law will even let nurse
practitioners perform abortions. And dog groomers can aid assisted
suicides by Skype.
California was the first state to legalize medical marijuana, our
minimum wage is almost three dollars higher than the national rate,
and in 10 years a third of our electricity will come from renewable
energy and 15 percent of our cars will be electric.
And while Republicans in the rest of the country are threatening to
deport every immigrant not named Ted Cruz, California just OK'd
driver's licenses for undocumented aliens. That's right, we're letting
them drive cars -- just like white people! You Red Staters may ask,
"How come they're lettin' Meskins drive?" Well, it's because they have
to get to their jobs. You see, here in California we're embracing the
modern world -- we can't be worrying about all the nonsense that keeps
Fox News viewers up at night when they should be in bed adjusting
their sleep apnea mask. Our state motto is, "We're Too Busy for Your
The bottom line is that we are moving the country's largest economy
into a place where we can all be health-insured, clean air-breathin',
gay-married, immigrant-friendly citizens who don't get shot all the
time. And my message to the rest of America is: do not resist. Kneel
before Zod! California has been setting the trends in America for
decades, from Silicon Valley to silicone tits, and it's not going to
stop now. We say jump -- you say, "Please sell me new exercise clothes
for jumping." We said put cilantro in food, and dammit, you did, you
put cilantro in food, even though neither one of us knows what it is.
Almond milk? We just had some extra almonds and thought we'd fuck with
you. The enormous earlobe hole? You're welcome. We also invented the
genius bar, where the kid with the enormous earlobe hole takes your
MacBook in the back and fills it with animal pornography.
- Bill Maher, host of HBO's Real Time with Bill Maher"
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