31 Things You'll Never Hear a Texan Say...

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[Number 28 makes this post on-topic]
Texans will never say...:
31. When I retire, I'm movin' north.
30. Oh I just couldn't, she's only sixteen.
29. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
28. Duct tape won't fix that.
27. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken
26. We don't keep firearms in this house.
25. You can't feed that to the dog!
24. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
23. Wrestling is fake.
22. We're vegetarians.
21. Do you think my gut is too big?
20. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
19. Honey, we don't need another dog.
18. Who gives a damn who won the Civil War?
17. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
16. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
15. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
14. Trim the fat off that steak.
13. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
12. The tires on that truck are too big.
11. I've got it all on the C: DRIVE.
10. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
9. My fiancι, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
8. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
7. Checkmate
6. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
5. Hey, here's an episode of "Dukes of Hazard" that we haven't seen.
4. I don't have a favorite college team.
3. You Guys.
2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Betty Mae.
AND THE NUMBER ONE THING THAT YOU WILL NEVER HEAR A SOUTHERN BOY SAY:
1. Nope, no more beer for me. I'm driving a whole busload of us down to re-elect OBAMA!
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harry wrote:

Yep. For many generations. I had a great-grandfather who fought on the Confederate side during the recent unplesantness.
That's not to say I'm parochial; I've been all over the world and parts of south Georgia. I'm continually surprised at local customs: * In Milwaukee, the serve beer chasers with cocktails * In New York, distance is measured in minutes of travel at a fast walk ("It's three minutes that way"). * Hamburgers are served in the UK, but they're made of lamb and have cucumbers instead of tomato.
And others are somewhat surprised at Texas facts: * El Paso is closer to California than it is to Houston. * Houston is closer to Florida than it is to El Paso. * At 700,000 sq km, Texas is 5 times larger than England, and a bit larger than France. * I live in the largest city in the nation (maybe the world) with no zoning.
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I used to think that was a bad thing when I lived in Houston for over 30 years. Now, I live in the DFW area with all of it's stupid zoning restrictions and have totally changed my mind.
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Yeah, I noticed that on my visits to Houston. You're driving through a residential neighborhood and you come to some house decked out in Xmas lights and it has a sign that says "Nude Dancing".
Well, that's one way to define freedom but probably not a good way to protect property values.
The people were nice, but they felt free to call me Yankee Boy.
--
Dan Espen

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snipped-for-privacy@verizon.net wrote:

Years ago, Shell Oil bought a corner lot on the ritziest street in town. I'm not kidding; in that neighborhood home prices started at several million, and that was back when several million was a lot of money. Anyway, Shell announced plans to erect a gas station with an attached unsanitary taco stand.
The neighbors were incensed. They cut up their Shell credit cards and mailed them to the company with nasty letters threatening all manner of undesirable actions. Amongst the folks outraged were former governor John Connally and Robert Mossbacher (at that time, the sitting Secretary of Commerce).
Shell reconsidered and donated the corner lot to the city for a pocket-park.
We, in lesser affluent neighborhoods, have more subdued methods of dealing with those who offend our sensibilities. These methods usually involve firearms in some fashion
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And you would think they would be very adept at screwing people (g)
--
People thought cybersex was a safe alternative,
until patients started presenting with sexually
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On 12/1/2011 4:05 PM, HeyBub wrote:

In Alabamastan there could also be dynamite involved in such cases. ^_^
TDD
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wrote:

AKA the government telling you what you are allowed to do with your property.
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You forgot the rest of the quote: "I live in the largest city in the nation with no zoning and that 60 x 150 foot billboard in the next yard doesn't look so bad if you just squint a bit."
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On 12/2/2011 12:43 AM, harry wrote:

And, on the other hand, preventing some a-hole from putting a pig sty in the middle of the neighborhood.
--


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HeyBub wrote the following:

Ummm, that would be in New York City. In the rest of NY State it is measured in miles or by some physical item. "You go down this road until you come to Bob Jones' house, turn left there and go until you come to a pole with a big transformer on the pole. It's across the street from it".

--

Bill
In Hamptonburgh, NY
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willshak wrote:

You are absolutely right. I meant New York the country - everything to the near east of the Hudson.
Last March, I spent a month in Cheektowaga (near Akron which is near Buffalo). During the week I was there, I found it differed little from my part of the country, save it was populated by liberals.
I have lasting memories.
Five days after returning, I suffered a pulmonary embolism, most likely generated by a deep vein thrombosis resulting from sitting in an airplane for five hours. It took $91,000 to get it fixed.
Aside: Less than 4 minutes after we called 911, I had FIVE fit, tall, muscular paramedics and EMTs in my bedroom with enough stuff to equip a small emergency room! Had I been a woman, I'd have fallen hoplessly in love on the spot! As it was, even I.... well, never mind.
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Even if that kind of math made sense, you're "making" $35 a week, not $70 an hour.
But of course we all know that you aren't making one red cent.
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I pay myself the $35 that I would have paid to someone else for 30 minutes work. The last time I used the calculator that came to $70 per hour of work. I never said that was my only income just that I was making $70 an hour for doing my yard. What I still haven't figured out is why the yard crew that used to do my yard took almost 45 minutes to do the job with two people.
As for not making one red cent....A penny saved is a penny earned.
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Your total net worth just before cleaning your yard was $X.
What was your total net worth after you spent the 30 minutes cleaning the yard?
If your net worth did not increase after cleaning your yard, you didn't earn one red cent.
If your net worth did indeed increased by $35 after cleaning the yard, please tell us where the money came from. There has to be a debit someplace to offset the credit, unless you printed the money yourself.
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On Thu, 1 Dec 2011 14:10:54 -0800 (PST), DerbyDad03

Too easy. Start with $100 net worth. Credit $35 to expense account for mowing. Debit net worth account $35. Net worth now $65. Decide to spend 30 minutes doing the yard, or pay $35.

Have a glass of iced tea, then debit $35 in the expense account. Credit net worth account $35 Mark in transaction memo "Mowing My Own Grass Earnings - non-taxable." Net worth now $100.

Most peoples don't mess with the accounting. They just know they got $35 richer and 1/2 hour poorer by doing the job themselves. And the $35 is real in the pocket money.
--Vic
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Exactly. Net worth was $100 before the glass of Iced Tea and $100 afterwards. No one is richer, no one is poorer, but the yard looks nice.
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Unless you paid someone else $100 for the Iced tea in which case your net worth was $100 less. You really are starting to look rather dumb if you can't understand that simple fact.
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On Thu, 1 Dec 2011 18:23:36 -0800 (PST), DerbyDad03

Uh, no. One common definition of earnings is income minus expenses. It's pretty obvious that reducing expenses increases earnings. That's what BobR did. You're just stuck on your definition of pay check earnings. And I showed you the book keeping entries to prove it. Here's what you should do Take a booked expense and cut it out. Let's say a cable bill of $100 a month. All else being equal after a year your net worth will increase $1200. Now you might not want to call that earnings, but that's the effect. When you mow the lawn and sweat a bit to increase your net worth, nothing wrong with calling that an earning. Especially when it had been an established expense. It just doesn't matter that it rubs you wrong.
--Vic
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On Sat, 10 Dec 2011 16:37:07 -0500, "Robert Green"

I'm pretty sure that everyone accounts for that. Nobody with any sense mows their lawn for an hour to make $35 if they could make more with the time elsewhere. If they enjoy doing one over the other they are generally honest enough not to claim earning when it's a net loss. Things like mowing your own lawn instead of paying a known amount to somebody else is easily calculable. And I mowed my own lawn when I billing big hourly dollars. I never could bill enough honest dollars to preclude time to mow the damn lawn. But you can hire somebody else to mow the lawn while you watch TV. If you watch TV is that costing you $35 an hour for the "pleasure?" Then of course one can put a value on the exercise. Which is perfectly valid. People pay to go to the gym for exercise they can get free. Those costs are known to those who pay gym fees as an expense. If BobR not only canceled the mowing expense, but a gym expense, his earnings could be more than $35 and hour using the earnings - (income - expense) formula.. You mentioned semantics elsewhere. Of course. I only jumped into this because Derby mentioned net worth, and essentially said BobR's labor was worthless. My main personal accounting tool for years has been net worth. It's always been evident to me that cutting expense increases net worth, with all else equal. I was "offended" that Derby thought otherwise. So I dragged out the earnings - (income - expense) formula. It just can't be denied. To quibble "no fair" because it's generally applied to business statements won't fly either. After all, when you start talking about net worth and opportunity costs, you've more or less stepped into that territory. And there's no law against using business accounting in personal finances. Keeping it simple in answering something else you've mentioned, equipment costs are also figured in as expenses by sane people. I know my mower cost me $350 5 years ago. I know I spend about $15 a year on gas. I could, but I don't itemize it. It all shows up in net worth. Just as a $35 weekly payment to a landscaper does.
Anyway, I don't claim to be an accountant. But I say if you cut your own grass instead of paying somebody else to do it, you earned the difference in net worth. And denying that is quibbling and playing with semantics.
--Vic
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