31 Things You'll Never Hear a Texan Say...

[HeyBub]

[Number 28 makes this post on-topic]

Texans will never say...:

1. When I retire, I'm movin' north.

1. Oh I just couldn't, she's only sixteen.

2. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.

1. Duct tape won't fix that.

2. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken

1. We don't keep firearms in this house.

2. You can't feed that to the dog!

1. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.

2. Wrestling is fake.

1. We're vegetarians.

2. Do you think my gut is too big?

1. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.

2. Honey, we don't need another dog.

1. Who gives a damn who won the Civil War?

2. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.

1. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.

2. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.

1. Trim the fat off that steak.

2. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.

1. The tires on that truck are too big.

2. I've got it all on the C: DRIVE.

1. Unsweetened tea tastes better.

2. My fiancé, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.

1. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.

2. Checkmate

1. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.

2. Hey, here's an episode of "Dukes of Hazard" that we haven't seen.

1. I don't have a favorite college team.

2. You Guys.

1. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Betty Mae.

AND THE NUMBER ONE THING THAT YOU WILL NEVER HEAR A SOUTHERN BOY SAY:

1. Nope, no more beer for me. I'm driving a whole busload of us down to re-elect OBAMA!

[HeyBub]

Yep. For many generations. I had a great-grandfather who fought on the Confederate side during the recent unplesantness.

That's not to say I'm parochial; I've been all over the world and parts of south Georgia. I'm continually surprised at local customs:

• In Milwaukee, the serve beer chasers with cocktails

• In New York, distance is measured in minutes of travel at a fast walk ("It's three minutes that way").

• Hamburgers are served in the UK, but they're made of lamb and have cucumbers instead of tomato.

And others are somewhat surprised at Texas facts:

• El Paso is closer to California than it is to Houston.

• Houston is closer to Florida than it is to El Paso.

• At 700,000 sq km, Texas is 5 times larger than England, and a bit larger than France.

• I live in the largest city in the nation (maybe the world) with no zoning.

[BobR]

I used to think that was a bad thing when I lived in Houston for over

30 years. Now, I live in the DFW area with all of it's stupid zoning restrictions and have totally changed my mind.

[despen]

Yeah, I noticed that on my visits to Houston. You're driving through a residential neighborhood and you come to some house decked out in Xmas lights and it has a sign that says "Nude Dancing".

Well, that's one way to define freedom but probably not a good way to protect property values.

The people were nice, but they felt free to call me Yankee Boy.

[gfretwell]

AKA the government telling you what you are allowed to do with your property.

[DerbyDad03]

Even if that kind of math made sense, you're "making" $35 a week, not $70 an hour.

But of course we all know that you aren't making one red cent.

[.]

You forgot the rest of the quote: "I live in the largest city in the nation with no zoning and that 60 x 150 foot billboard in the next yard doesn't look so bad if you just squint a bit."

[BobR]

I pay myself the $35 that I would have paid to someone else for 30 minutes work. The last time I used the calculator that came to $70 per hour of work. I never said that was my only income just that I was making $70 an hour for doing my yard. What I still haven't figured out is why the yard crew that used to do my yard took almost

45 minutes to do the job with two people.

As for not making one red cent....A penny saved is a penny earned.

[HeyBub]

Years ago, Shell Oil bought a corner lot on the ritziest street in town. I'm not kidding; in that neighborhood home prices started at several million, and that was back when several million was a lot of money. Anyway, Shell announced plans to erect a gas station with an attached unsanitary taco stand.

The neighbors were incensed. They cut up their Shell credit cards and mailed them to the company with nasty letters threatening all manner of undesirable actions. Amongst the folks outraged were former governor John Connally and Robert Mossbacher (at that time, the sitting Secretary of Commerce).

Shell reconsidered and donated the corner lot to the city for a pocket-park.

We, in lesser affluent neighborhoods, have more subdued methods of dealing with those who offend our sensibilities. These methods usually involve firearms in some fashion

[DerbyDad03]

Your total net worth just before cleaning your yard was $X.

What was your total net worth after you spent the 30 minutes cleaning the yard?

If your net worth did not increase after cleaning your yard, you didn't earn one red cent.

If your net worth did indeed increased by $35 after cleaning the yard, please tell us where the money came from. There has to be a debit someplace to offset the credit, unless you printed the money yourself.

[Larry W]

You left out "I think he's innocent"

[Vic Smith]

Too easy. Start with $100 net worth. Credit $35 to expense account for mowing. Debit net worth account $35. Net worth now $65. Decide to spend 30 minutes doing the yard, or pay $35.

Have a glass of iced tea, then debit $35 in the expense account. Credit net worth account $35 Mark in transaction memo "Mowing My Own Grass Earnings - non-taxable." Net worth now $100.

Most peoples don't mess with the accounting. They just know they got $35 richer and 1/2 hour poorer by doing the job themselves. And the $35 is real in the pocket money.

--Vic

[Kurt Ullman]

And you would think they would be very adept at screwing people (g)

[DerbyDad03]

de quoted text -

Exactly. Net worth was $100 before the glass of Iced Tea and $100 afterwards. No one is richer, no one is poorer, but the yard looks nice.

[DerbyDad03]

ide quoted text -

That's good...you're half way there. You realize that your net worth is decreased when you spend money on services.

Now you just have to figure out that saving money isn't earning money because it does not increase your net worth - unless of course you invest it wisely, but that's a discussion for another thread.

Let me try using your financial logic...

The wife and I just walked the dogs instead of paying someone to do it for us. I guess I just earned about $15.

Earlier, we cooked dinner instead of paying a chef. I don't know...let's call it $75.

I drove myself to and from work instead of paying a cabby, that's got to be at least $100.

Before I went to work, I ironed my own shirt, which I also laundered over the weekend instead of paying someone to do it for me. Minimal earnings, maybe $6.

Note that these are all real services that people pay for. In fact, they are all things that I have actually paid someone to do for me in the past. By your logic, I should now be able to claim that I "earned" $196, in one day, just by doing some every day tasks on my own instead of paying someone to do them for me. If I do just those things everyday, that's over $70K in "earnings" in a year.

At some point the IRS is going to come looking for me.

[The Daring Dufas]

In Alabamastan there could also be dynamite involved in such cases. ^_^

TDD

[Vic Smith]

Uh, no. One common definition of earnings is income minus expenses. It's pretty obvious that reducing expenses increases earnings. That's what BobR did. You're just stuck on your definition of pay check earnings. And I showed you the book keeping entries to prove it. Here's what you should do Take a booked expense and cut it out. Let's say a cable bill of $100 a month. All else being equal after a year your net worth will increase $1200. Now you might not want to call that earnings, but that's the effect. When you mow the lawn and sweat a bit to increase your net worth, nothing wrong with calling that an earning. Especially when it had been an established expense. It just doesn't matter that it rubs you wrong.

--Vic

[dpb]

And, on the other hand, preventing some a-hole from putting a pig sty in the middle of the neighborhood.

[HeyBub]

Ben Franklin said the same thing about a penny... but we've had some inflation since his time.

[BobR]

- Hide quoted text -

No, didn't neglect it but the mower, edger, and blower were all paid for in the first three months and that was 4 years back and they are still in good shape for another 3-4 years.