gardens and nature
And God said to St. Francis:
GOD: St. Francis, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the
is going on down there? What happened to the dandelions, violets,
and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect, no-maintenance garden
Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and
abandon. The nectar from the long lasting blossoms attracts
honeybees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden
colours by now. But all I see are these green rectangles.
ST. FRANCIS: It's the tribes that settled there, Lord: The
They started calling your flowers "weeds" and went to great lengths
them and replace them with grass.
GOD: Grass? But it's so boring. It's not colourful. It doesn't
butterflies, birds and bees, only grubs and sod worms. It's
with temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass
ST. FRANCIS: Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it
it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning
other plant that crops up in the lawn.
GOD: The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow
That must make the Suburbanites happy.
ST. FRANCIS: Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little,
it, sometimes twice a week.
GOD: They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?
ST. FRANCIS: Not exactly Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in
GOD: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?
ST. FRANCIS: No, sir -- just the opposite. They pay to throw it
GOD: Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will
And when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?
ST. FRANCIS: Yes, sir.
GOD: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut
rainfall that surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.
ST. FRANCIS: When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out
pay more money to water it so they can continue to mow it and pay to
GOD: What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a
stoke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the
to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn they fall
ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and
the trees and bushes. Plus, as they rot, the leaves form compost to
the soil. It's a natural circle of life.
ST. FRANCIS: You'd better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have
drawn a new
circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles
to have them hauled away.
GOD: No. What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the
and to keep the soil moist and loose?
ST. FRANCIS: After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy
which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in
GOD: And where do they get this mulch?
ST. FRANCIS: They cut down trees and grind them up to make the
GOD: St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have
scheduled for us tonight?
ST. CATHERINE: "Dumb and Dumber," Lord. It's a real stupid movie
GOD: Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St.