1. When it's 105 out and I've just come out of
your attic please do not offer me anything to
drink. Us heating and air techs have a special
gene that lets us recycle our sweat when
licked of off our bodies in a timely manner.
Heat stroke is a Zen experience!
2. By all means tell me that you want to pay my
after hours fee and then wait till I'm five
from your house and call and cancel. We have
a special deal with the gas companies where we
only pay half price.
3. When I tell you that a part costs x dollars,
please exclaim as loud as you can "For that!"
There are no overhead costs associated with
running our business, that's why it's called
HVAC. You know, heating, ventilating and
4. When I tell you the price for a new system,
please tell me how Joe down the street just got
one for half that price. I'm just curious, did
Joe get the Ford model or the Mercedes model
or did BillyBobs heating, ventilating and charity
install said system?
5. When I tell you the price of a new system,
please tell me how you can get one off of that
internet thingy for half price. Those internet
models install and warranty themselves I
6. When I tell you the price of a new system,
please tell me that you want to get a quote from
10 other companies and make a decision five
years from now. Our business is inflation proof.
7. When I show you the problem with your system
and you're standing right there, please tell me
want to call 5 more companies for a second
opinion. All these certifications we have mean
8. When I ask you who put your system in and you
tell me a friend of a friend so your cheap ass
save money, please get mad as hell when I tell you
that that's what happens when you hire hacks. Oh
wait, that's right, you hired BillyBobs heating,
ventilating and charity. So sorry I insulted you,
9. When I disable your system because your heat
exchanger is cracked, please go completely off
and tell me what a crook I am. If I don't hear
a crook I am at least once a day I start getting
complex. Besides, I heard that a little carbon
monoxide, in moderation of course, is a Zen
10. When I have you scheduled for 10:00 and you
are not there, please expect me to wait an hour
while you do whatever it is you have to do. You
are the only customer I have that day and I have
nothing better to do anyway.
11. When you see my van driving down the road,
please do everything you can to impede my
progress. We all attended the Skip Barber racing
school and you are helping us keep our driving
skills up to par without having to go back and pay
that damn racing school for a refresher course
12. Please answer your door in the most revealing
clothing you have and then offer to pay for the
service call by "unconventional" means. Hey, all
of us have screwed up marriages anyway, we only
married our wives out of charity.
13. Please argue with me about how much the office
said the service charge would be. I've only worked
for said company four years anyway, what the hell
do I know.
14. When I am looking at your system, please have
your engineer neighbor there so he can make
suggestions every 2.5 seconds. After all, all of
certifications we have, well, we had to eat a lot
cracker jacks to get them.
15. After I have just fixed your system, please
fiddle with the thermostat and turn it off. It's
because we all have ESP and will know that you
just turned the thermostat off. Besides, I really
didn't want to give you the "complete system
evaluation" that you're paying for anyway.
16. When I tell you that your system is low on
refrigerant and will need 5 lbs, please ask me to
add only two pounds so you can save some
money. You have a special system that will
cool without the required amount of refrigerant,
all I have to do is throw the kaniflin valve
clockwise and this will allow the system to run
correctly and as an added bonus will seal the leak
wherever it is.
16a. If the system isn't cooling. Be sure to tell
that you know it's low on freon, and just to add
a couple pounds. Don't let me sell you a fan, or
scam you by cleaning the condensor.
17. When I tell you that your duct work is
improperly sized, please ask me why someone
would do that. I can surely answer that question
because as I said earlier, we all have ESP.
18. When I ask you to explain what your system
is doing or not doing, please start out with "it
was working yesterday" with the tone in your
voice like you expected it to ring you up and let
you know that at exactly 5:04 tomorrow it's
going to croak.
19. Please do everything you can to get me to
warranty something that is not covered under
your warranty. Remember, I am running a
charity, not a business.
20. When I am diagnosing why your new system does
not heat or cool properly, please start out with
the salesman said." That's why they are called
21. Please ask me to estimate the repair over the
phone. With only a sketchy description of the
problem, and no clue what the equipment is. Ask
for a firm, cast in concrete quote. Don't take no
for an answer. And then when I get there, tell me
the rest of the problem.
22. After the phone quote, don't accept any hint
of possibly saying something else was wrong.
HVAC guys are psychic. We can diagnose over
the phone. But we do, so, love scewing with you.
We get there, and find five other things wrong
cause we love to make you squirm.
23. Be sure to call on a weekday about 10 AM, and
ask for the quote on fixing the system. Then call
back, Sunday night about 9 PM and say that you
can't stand it, and want someone out right away.
And that you want the quoted price.
Christopher A. Young
Learn more about Jesus
Click to see the full signature.