WIld Billy was dreaming that he had just been thrown out of his favorite bar and that he might as well treat himself to a lie - in, until opening time, but the sounds of traffic, and the honking horns wouldn't let him slide back into unconsciousness. He felt terrible, and suspected that one of those bottles of whiskey he'd had the night before, must have been bad. Feeling something in his hand, Billy looked through barely opened eyes at his hand and saw the broken stem, and the foot of his wine glass. His eyes popped open to the sound of screeching tires, just as a Renault swerved to miss him. "F**k!", he swore and scrambled, unsteadily, to the side of the road.
"You'd do more good as a speed bump, back in the middle of the street", said Jangchub (the lesbian nun), who was sitting on the curb. "Sounds like the voice of experience", cracked Billy, noticing the muddy tire tracks across her habit. "This curb taken?", he said as he sat down, "Man, I feel like I've been hit by a truck". "Actually", she said, while staring down the street,"it was you who hit the truck."
"Uh, where did the truck go?", Billy asked, shaking his head.
"North", said Jangchub. " I had 'em but they got away."
A strange wailing sound came from across the street.
"What's that weird sound?", he asked.
"Oh that's just "W", playing his Celtic pipes", Jangchub said. "Some just call him Bill".
"Is he dangerous?", said Billy, peering suspiciously across the street.
"Oh, no", she said. "Far from it".
"Where does he come from?", he asked.
"Oh, many yeas ago, a renegade band of Buddhist monks moved into one of my greenhouses and tried to remove all the toxic genes from the human genome. They were trying to create a hero, who could lead them to world domination by fermenting soybeans. They called it "Project W" because of the bilateral symmetry. They separated the Alpha genes and the toxic genes into two vials, but during a conversation, the monk labeling them forgot which was which.", she said.
"Sooo, what happened?", he said, becoming impatient.
"Well, the toxic ones went on to become president of the United States, and the Alpha genes are walking towards us playing the Celtic pipes".
A car screeched to the curb and a man jumped out.
"Hey, can you help me?", Jangchub called to him.
"Oh, you're way past help, lady, if I can use that term to describe you. Glad you said something or I might have stepped on you, and then I'd had to scrape you off my shoes", the he said derisively.
Jangchub turned to Billy and smiled. Turning back to to the driver of the car, Jangchub said,"Teeney weeny peepee syndrome? That's it.", she exclaimed. " You have teeney-weeny-peepee syndrome, hahahahahahahaha. Ooops, I used foul language, I see your head exploding."
"Geeze but you are dumb", the man said. "And you are dumb because you are unwilling to learn. You'll always be the dumbest one... you could not have possibly earned a high school diploma.
"Why do you say my peepee is little", he continued, " how do you know.... ? I really don't want to discuss my peepee with you... you haven't a clue about of what you speak... "
Turning again to Billy, Jangchub winked. Looking back at the man, she said,"Well then, let's find out then." Grabbing the man by his stripped tie, Jangchub dragged the protesting man into the bushes.
After a minute, Billy could hear Janggchub, "Hahahahahahahahaha. Where's the beef? Where's the beef?", she laughed. "You, I gotta show you to the girls, hahahahahahahaha." She laughed and laughed until Billy could hear her no more.
The stocky blond man, who had been playing the Celtic pipes, stepped up to Billy, pushed out his hand and said,"Feasgar math". "Huh?", said Billy, wondering if his ears had heard right. "Sorry", the man said. "Guid eenin, I'm Bill". "Hi, I'm Billy", said Billy. "Jangchub was here a minute ago. Do you know where she went?, Billy asked Bill.
"Oh, she's probably off, nursing her wrath to keep it warm", Bill said, furrowing his brow.
"What are you doing?, asked Billy.
"Just wanderin' around a bit. Stretching me legs.", said Bill
"Do you live near here?", Billy asked.
"Oh, just over the hill. I live with a couple of Brits. I try to get out, when I can because they have really sever emotional problems", Bill said, matter-of-factly. One pulls his hair and cries a lot. The other bangs his head against the wall. It's all I can do to sit there calmly, playing my pipes.
Billy gazed at Bill, taking in the situation. "Look," said Billy, "my friend Captain Charlie has been log-jacked and I'm trying to find him".
Bill looked at Billy, taking in the situation. "Do you mean that black, panel truck with the large dent in the side of it?", asked Bill.
"Yeah, yeah, that's the one.", said Billy.
"Oh.", said Bill, falling silent for a couple of moments. "That's Dr. Dows truck. He lives about five miles more, north, up this road at the Monsanto mansion."
"Thank you, thank you," Billy said, shaking Bill's hand.
Billy, jumped into the car that was still idling at the curb and roared off in a cloud of dust, up the road.
"Can I see another's woe, and not be in sorrow too? Can I see another's grief, and not seek for kind relief?", Bill said, slipping a flask from his pocket.
Shortly, Billy saw a large, five storied house, with a terraced roof. Just jutting over the edge of the roof, was the end of Charlie's log. The pulley and tackle, that had raised the log, was still in place in the front of the house.
Billy broke a window to get inside. No one seemed to be home. He rushed to the roof and found the log. He tried to unplug the ends of the log but it was no use. They were stuck tight. He tapped on the side of the log and yelled,"Don't worry Captain Charlie. I'll have you out of there." Looking around, Billy only saw the loose end of the tackle's rope.
Running back down stairs, Billy tied the other end of the rope to a tree. Back up to the roof he ran, tying the other end of the rope to the log, and then shoving the log off the side of the building, where it swung crazily in mid air. Back down the stairs ran Billy, when he noticed a bottle of 1978 Echezeaux breathing on a side board. "Ohhhhhh", he said, his run turning to a walk, a walk towards the Echezeaux. Pouring a glass, Billy stared into its' crimson folds, which shone like veils of silk passing in front of each other. Its' brick colored edges looked like lips that needed to be kissed. Enraptured he drew the glass to his nose, not daring to believe it could fore-fill is desires. He sniffed at it hesitantly and a tear started to form in the corner of his eye when the bouquet and aroma intertwined in his nose. Thought vanished from Billy's mind, which now was totally devoted to the sensuousness of perception. How long he stood there is hard to tell. The phone ran, startling Billy from his trance.
"No one can answer the phone right now, please leave a message.", the answering machine said. The voice on the phone responded,"This is the doctor, I'll be home in about twenty minutes. Have everything prepared".
"Charlie", Billy thought. He refilled his glass and ran outside.
Running to the tree, Billy pulled on the trucker's hitch that secured the rope and was immediately pulled off the ground by the rope. Half-way up, the log struck Billy hard about the head and shoulders as it fell to the ground. Then, Billy's fingers were jammed into the pulley. Down below, the log struck the ground and out popped Charlie. The log was now lighter than Billy, and Billy began to descend swiftly, only to receive a blow to his shins and knees from the log, half-way down. Billy finally landed on the concrete walkway that encircled the house.
Charlie ran to Billy and leaned over to offer him his hand. Still holding the glass of Echezeaux, Billy let go the rope and reached for Charlie's hand.
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Tune in next time boys and girls