(huge sigh......................) well friends, today was a waste of
time, my dwindling money and as good as this heart specialist is, I am
beginning to wonder if I am losing my mind. Here's how it went
today...I have had one of the most stressful weeks this week, which
I've taken in stride. I have dealt with it. I haven't gotten upset,
and thru all of the mental and physical exertions, I still had
pressures around my chest area, tingles in my hands and feet, and have
been more than tired.
This morning was a nightmare out of my departed father's life because
I woke up smothering. Literally gasping for air because my throat was
closed almost completely shut, and it was a strain to get anything in.
It seemed like it took forever to get a breath. It scared the hell
out of me and made me realize I could die in my own bed and no one
would hear me as oldest son was dead asleep in the back room, youngest
son I thought had gone to work but was outside in the driveway just
outside my bedroom window on the phone and wouldn't have heard me
because I couldn't make a sound.
(My dad suffered from severe asthma, complications from poisonings
from breathing chlorine steam in dishwashers and emphasema (?sp). He
smothered all the time and was on an aluphent machine as well as
taking prednasone.) Squire had already gone to work. After I got my
throat to open up and actually breath, I was alright, but extremely
sore. My level of tiredness was incredible despite that I had finally
caught up on sleep after being deprived of it for almost 24 hours.
When I went to the doctor to get the stress test results, he informed
me that I had 85% chance of no heart problems. But when I asked him
about my lungs or checking me for thyroid problems, he said I didnt'
exibit signs of gall bladder which was odd, and that I could even
possibly have a hiatel (?sp?) hernia. But check me for it?
no......just hinted at it, maybe. and he'd see me in six months.
He also told me I needed insurance. I informed him we made too much
for TennCare health insurance, noneligable for Medicaide, and because
I was working part time for Lowes, unable to get insurance thru work.
He then tells me to apply at the Home Depot down the road that is
hiring, and insist Lowe's puts me on full time.......I told him I
wasn't interested in working at Home Depot, and it wasn't even open
yet, even if I had been interested adn that I HAD requested full time
months ago, but you start out part time unless there is a position
open for full time. And now that we're in the time when hours are
being cut anyway, my chances of working full time were slim until the
start of the new year and closer to when I have made it to my first
year which will be in February. He said I obviously wasn't interested
in getting insurance which would be the first priority on his list if
he were me and I should do anything I could to get it. LOL He's a
doctor, he makes a good income, and he's from another country living a
lifestyle that anyone would love to be living at the moment. He's not
in the position where jobs start at minimum wage and it would take two
or three of them to make enough because no one is hiring full time.
(part time is less benefits to spend on employees, not that Lowe's
does that, but most all the jobs here only hire at part time and they
all start at $5.25 an hour or a little better) None of this solved
anything, and all I managed to do was not get answers, run up another
bill, pay $10 on a bill that will most likely be incredible, and when
I told him my chest still hurt, and why was this? he tells me I need a
I give up. I swear people this is pure bullshit. I am not a
hypocondriate. they have medical insurance. I don't like to be sick
or in pain, and when I am, I am usually quiet about it unless it's
something serious like now. I am no martyr, but I have been known to
work with pneumonia because I felt fine until the doctor told me it
would affect my heart, then I went home and to bed. I had insurance
then. I don't have an option for returning to the warehouse from hell
where I HAD medical insurance because I like my job at Lowe's despite
my hours, and come full season, I will be working hard like I did
these last five six months. Even my part time hours were 39 to 43,
I wanted to get snippy at the doctor sitting there suggesting all this
crap to me, but instead I just asked questions and he fielded them
quite nicely. When I told him I thought I needed to lose weight, that
it wasn't doing me any good to weigh as much as I do with my frame, he
said rather nocholantly, well yes, you could, and that would mean
cutting out bread, potato's, all carbs, sugars, and pasta. It's all
up to you and it might not make a difference even if you did lose
weight. You'd probably gain it all back again anyway.
So here I sit, a crushing pain in my chest as I write, the back of my
throat feels like I have a rock in it, no primary care physican to
speak of yet all around me poorer people than me and my husband get
top notch medical help because they somehow find a way to get the
system to work for them. I've been going at this all wrong people.
I've been honest about our income. Honest about my basic bills. About
the money we make that doesn't make ends meet. Life goes on. Today
was a total waste of my time and efforts.
I am NOT going to bother ya'll again with this, if something happens I
will let you know. I have a bad feeling there is something wrong that
they're missing and it's going to take me almost dying to find it. I
hope not. The episode in the ER was frightening and they still didn't
reach conclusions. SOMETHING sent my blood pressure up over the stroke
level. That just doesn't happen. And I'm normally stressed all the
time, so I have to say that despite my age, stress can't be what's
causing this or I'd stroked out years ago when we were going thru
bankrupsy, our house was burnt down, we were starving and living in an
unheated house with only kerosene for heat and had $11.66 a week to
live on. Somehow I will get thru this and SOMEONE will find out
what's wrong or I've gone totally insane.
Now I apologize for going off topic, I love all you for your concerns,
but this is taking up too much space and time and we have garden
things to talk about here. I hope all of you are doing well and that
those that do it, have a wonderful Thanksgiving. My love comes out to
all of you.