Ah, g'day... my name is Eddie Luck and I'm a gardener!
In my garden I have no grass. There are two little boys who live next door and they hate me. They call me fat old man and throw their tennis balls in my garden just so they can steal my chokos and throw them on the ground.
They call my garden a desert. One of the boys is called Johnny and once I grabbed him and tortured him in my shed. I forced him to drink Roundup. He found my pile of dead magpies and he called the police. I hate that boy. One day I'm going to hurt him seriously.
There used to be lots of trees in my backyard but I chopped them all down, and spray Roundup on the bare ground every week to make sure it is all dead. I also go over the ground with my rotary hoe until every clump is smashed into dust.
I have a few rows of vegetables, mostly pumpkins and tomatoes. I water them with greywater and the leaves get covered in muck and undissolved soap powder. Last year was the first time I got an edible pumpkin. It was nearly as big as an apple and I shared it with Surveillance.
Surveillance is my wife and she wears a blue and white dress. She's really fat too because we eat pork almost exclusively. Pork is really good for you and we eat a lot. We blend the fat into a refreshing cold drink too. I have the recipe if you want it.
I have to go now. Surveillance has detected Johnny in my backyard getting his cricket ball. I'm going to hurt him really badly.
Eddie